


Until We Meet Again

by StarryGhost



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Cute Kids, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Growing Up, ghost au, so like connor is 17 while evan is 7, sorry no ships everything is platonic, the whole gang is gonna be here but i didnt wanna tag em all, uuuuhhh everything is kinda the same except the entire murphy family is like ten years older, yes its gonna be one of those ghost aus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-02-01 13:08:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12705636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryGhost/pseuds/StarryGhost
Summary: Connor Murphy really wasn’t sure what he expected to happen to him when he died. He certainly didn’t give “the afterlife” or whatever happened after death much thought, he was an apathetic teenager after all. Even so, despite the incredulously lack of thought he gave the subject, Connor was pretty sure kicking the bucket didn’t entail sitting in a tree as a ghost with some kid quietly sobbing his eyes out.Connor dies and somehow gets stuck babysitting.Maybe he can help this kid can live a happier life.





	1. The Tree

**Author's Note:**

> uuuuuuhhh first time using ao3 hope i dont mess anything up (like forgetting the damn summary and notes GOD)
> 
> anyway this is an au where the entire murphy family is 10 years older (or everyone else is 10 years younger however you wanna see it) connor still commits suicide at 17 and all that so yeah

     Evan was seven when he first met him.

 

     Connor Murphy really wasn’t sure what he expected to happen to him when he died. He certainly didn’t give “the afterlife” or whatever happened after death much thought, he was an apathetic teenager after all. Even so, despite the incredulously lack of thought he gave the subject, Connor was  _ pretty _ sure kicking the bucket didn’t entail sitting in a tree as a ghost with some kid quietly sobbing his eyes out. The small whimpering the child is emitting was only slightly irritating him.  _ Just slightly. _ Glancing over him, the kid looked to be incredibly scrawny and small with bright blue and pink and purple and green, and many more hues of band-aids littering his pale skin, particularly around many of his fingers, he kept his head pointed down preventing Connor from distinguishing any facial features aside from the red tint his cheeks took on from crying. His tiny shoulders were vaguely shaking as the palms of colorfully decorated hands further covered any detail on his already hidden face like a mask, whether to hide himself from others or himself from the world, Connor didn't know. Either way, the kid seemed to be too busy crying to even notice he was there. Deciding he had stared at the top of the tiny boy’s sandy colored hair enough, Connor chose to lazily direct his attention to drink in his surroundings instead. Since whatever high spiritual entity plopped him in some random tree with some random kid, he might as well know where the damn plant is at the very least. After a brief observation, he deducted that the tree they were perched in held an immensely superabundant amount of apples sporadically hanging on a thick mess of branches erratically decorated with a seemingly endless sea of vibrant green and yellow hues twisting and merging into the prodigiously large trunk that was firmly rooted in what is clearly a backyard of a rather small, drab looking house. Connor decided it was safe to assume the kid lived here.

     “Hey.”

     He suddenly called out to the kid without giving it much thought. As a result, the small child abruptly jumped from the sudden noise.  _ A reasonable reaction, _ Connor quickly thought to himself hoping to justify his careless vocal decision to not stoke the fires of his already dwindling emotional stability. Got to think positively, right? Then the kid looked up, aiming his line of vision towards the source of the noise, i.e. Connor, and immediately began to mildly panic. Okay, not a reasonable reaction. Connor once again attempted to reason with himself to suffocate the burning anger in the pit of his stomach that had been building from the moment he was strangely teleported into this situation from rising any further,  _ I don’t look that scary, do I? No, he’s just a jumpy kid it’s not me, it’s not me.  _ The child was still panicking. His trivial attempts defuse his own anger was futile but it was still swiftly dissipated in favor for worry that the kid was gonna nervously jitter his way off the absurdly huge apple tree. In an effort to prevent this scenario, Connor hesitantly reached out to steady the terrified boy by placing his hand on his little, tiny shoulder.

     His hand passes right through.

     The kid shivers from the attempted touch.

     Right. He’s dead. Ghosts. Magically appeared in tree. No wonder the kid’s freaked out.

     Connor swiftly raised his hands in a defensive stance, taking a deep breath in an attempt to smother any remaining irritation the situation had brought, “Sorry. I… uh... didn’t mean to scare you there, kid. Uh… just don’t fall alright?”

     The young boy quickly glanced down, suddenly aware of how much he was shaking and how far from the ground he was. He scooted over, then pressed his thin body to the trunk of the tree and wove his arms around to hugged it tightly, still slightly trembling. Connor relaxed at that, he would prefer not having the kid so unnerved but he supposed the newfound alertness was better than having the boy break an arm or something. The boy. Right. Connor still didn’t know his name.

     “Hey it's alright, little guy,” he started as a quick attempt to calm the kid down, trying to keep his voice the softest it has ever been in the last ten years, “Can you tell me your name?”

     Connor thought for a moment, quickly realizing that this was  _ the kid’s _ tree in _ the kid’s _ backyard and that it should probably be him stating his who he was. He mentally curses himself for coming off as a weird creep and that he needs to correct the mistake before more self loathing moved in.

     “I'm Connor,” he blurted out in a rushed tone, syllables blurring together. Not good, try again.

     “My name is Connor Murphy,” he said, slower that time after taking a deep breath. Better.

     The little kid stared at Connor, the ghost realizing he finally got a chance to actually look at the child’s face. The small boy had little chubby cheeks that was a stark contrast to his rather lean frame, he seemed to be missing one of his front tooth, and his face was dusted with barely noticeable freckles just below his wide, innocent blue eyes. However, the whole display was currently distorted and muddled with the tears and snot that dribbled down his features causing the skin he would rub the disgusting bodily fluids off with his sleeve turn into a concerning shade of red. Connor wasn’t particularly fond of kids, specifically whiney blubbering ones, but at the same time he can’t help but feel the need to scoop one up and comfort them if he saw a child in distress. Especially the sniveling bastard in front of him right now. It annoyed Connor  _ so much _ but the overwhelming urge to  _ give that child the unconditional love and care that he never got _ smothers any sort of vexation he felt from the pathetic cacophony of whiney sobs _. _ God damn kids. Ruining his tough, edgy persona.

     Suddenly, the tiny boy’s blue eyes broke away from Connor and started to dart every where as if his thoughts were floating all around him and he was desperately trying to sort them out as he began to stutter a response to the teenager’s previous question. Upon realization of what was about to happen, Connor immediately snapped out of his thoughts in favor of listening to the kid’s answer intently, briefly noting that this would also be the first time he heard him speak.

     “I-I uh um… m-my n-n-n-name... I… its… m-my na- um I-I mean.. I-I'm E-ev uh……… I….uh ………”

     Normally, Connors’s anger would have gotten the best of him at this point having him bounce off the walls but his stupid soft spot for children kept him in check so he instead listened patiently. The little kid already spoke in a hushed tone but as he went on his voice seemed to get even softer and softer, to levels Connor didn’t even think were possible, until you can just barely hear it anymore. Not that it even mattered because it seemed that he never made it beyond stuttering a single word. Connor sighed, the kid kept up this behavior until he eventually just gave up and fell completely inaudible, once again focusing on hugging the trunk of the tree. The next few moments were filled with the silence of Connor debating whether he should push a little more to get the kid’s name and the kid seemingly trying to work up enough courage to resume stuttering his answer again. The moment didn’t last long though as a middle age woman with blonde hair pulled into a ponytail wearing light blue scrubs came into the backyard with a saddened expression clearly searching for something broke the awkward tension.

     “Evan!” she called out.

     The little kid reacted, quickly wiping the remaining tears and other various liquids off his face before waving and saying “I’m here” in the softest voice that would be impossible to hear from so high up in the tree.  _ So his name is Evan, _ Connor noted. After quickly realizing that, Connor is assuming, his mother couldn’t hear his weak calls, Evan resorted to a different method to get her attention.

     He clapped.

     He started clapping and applauding with the biggest, beaming grin on his face while softly giggling with pure jubilance. Evan was suddenly practically glowing with cheerfulness it was hard to believe that this was the same kid bawling like his pet fish had died just moments before. It was so cute and teeth-rottingly sweet Connor felt like he was getting a cavity by trying to contain a squealing noise akin to one his sister made that time she saw a video about a basket full of puppies.

     Evan’s mother had no shame in hiding her reaction though.

     Her previously grief stricken expression was wiped clean from her face and was rapidly replaced with one of absolute joy identical to the expression Evan was also radiating.  _ Definitely his mother _ , Connor thought, noting how similar their smiles looked. Once Evan’s mother sees how her son is settled firmly on a strong branch to relieve any worry of him falling from the tree, she started clapping as well while playfully singing  _ If You’re Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands _ earning even more giggles and enthusiastic clapping from the child. Connor watched the scene unfold in front of him almost stunned. Suddenly nothing felt real and Connor was worried that he was starting to fucking disassociate. The interaction happening before him was just so utterly innocent that it felt surreal and far away, like he’s looking at it through a distorted telescope, he hasn’t experienced a pure interaction like this in a ridiculously long time. Everything felt fuzzy and all the sounds around him slowly felt more and more distant and Connor was convinced that it absolutely wasn’t real. How can this be real he’s fucking dead and is a ghost in a tree doubting the concept of reality because a mother and a son was having  _ a nice fucking time together _ . Who the fuck has a good relationship with their parents how the fuck does something like that exist and Connor felt pathetic that this was such a fucking foreign concept to him. He feels himself drifting away farther and farther then, all at once, the same cheerful reverberation causing him to float away brings Connor back and provides him with a pleasant memory to further strengthen his grip on reality again. A warm and fuzzy feeling resounds throughout Connor as he comes to the realization that Evan clapping and laughing jubilantly next to him was reminiscent of how Connor used to encouragingly clap and sing along to the songs his little sister would play on her guitar while she was still learning. He held onto the memory. Still slightly dazed with nostalgia and the infectious upbeat atmosphere flowing through him, Connor slowly brought his hands together and quietly joined in, his singing barely audible.

     “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…”

     He was immediately accompanied by another small voice in the next line, equally as quiet as his own but still retained pure joy paired with a small stifled titter between his words, “If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…”

     As the song marched on, the young mother raised her voice to give the last line of the song one final hurrah making her sound so close as if she was right up there with them in that huge apple tree despite being so far away on the ground. It made Connor believed that she would always be there with them no matter what.

     With the boisterous voice of Evan’s mother leading the way, all three of them sang in unison, “If you’re happy and you know it and you really wanna show it, if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.”

     Clap. Clap.

     Both Evan and his mom broke into one final fit of giggles to ride out the high of their happiness just a little longer, Connor didn’t join them though. He instead continued to slowly clap. Noticing this, Evan, still a bubbly ball of joy, turned towards him and spoke in his signature hushed tone with giggles still riddled throughout his speech.

     “The song is over, silly.”

     “I know,” Connor said, still mindlessly clapping, “I’m just… happy.”

     At that, Evan smiled even wider and brought his hands together to clap again, quietly this time, attempting to match the slow rhythmic movements of Connor’s hands.

     They were happy.


	2. The Toy Truck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((minor hints to suicide and disassociation but both are very vague and goes by pretty fast))

    Evan was really hesitant about going back inside for dinner. His mother seemed especially concerned that she was being met with such resistance, this must not happen often for them. Connor repeatedly glances back and forth between the two of them, examining the similar worried countenances, more specifically Evan’s, in hopes of finding the key as to why this struggle was happening in the first place. This air of tension was uncomfortable, especially with it taking place so soon after their little sing along from just minutes ago. Connor didn’t enjoy it at all. He wished the damn kindergartener would just give in already, why are kids always so rebellious in every little way? Connor opted to ignore his brain bringing up the fact that that was how he was as a child in the worst possible way and looked to Evan’s response when his mother repeated the offer for dinner instead. It was quick and brief, but in that response, Connor saw the key to this minor argument.

    Evan had took a nearly breakneck glance at him before vigorously shaking his head at his mother.

    Connor leaned back on the branch and started to swing his legs, thinking of how to remedy the situation as Evan’s mom began coming up with reasons for what could possibly be causing her son's behavior now, “ _ Are you you too afraid to climb down? Are you still upset? Do you just not want to eat? Did you spoil your dinner by sneaking a snack?” _ All inquiries met with the shake of a head, but Connor knew. He knew he was the only one that could make Evan give up this little struggle.

    “You need to go eat, Evan.”

    The child in question turned to face him, but instead of making eye contact, Evan continued to stare towards the ground. Before continuing, Connor caught a glimpse of the mother’s hurt expression. It doesn’t seem like she’s able to see or hear him, so to her it must look like her son just decided to disregard her altogether. Even in death Connor was messing family shit up.

    The ghost already knew the answer to the next question he was about to ask, but it didn’t hurt to get some confirmation. So, keeping his voice soft and steady, he asked, “Are you worried that I’ll be gone once you leave?”

    Evan didn’t look up, but there was the tiny semblance of a nod that would go unnoticed to someone not paying attention.  _ Great, _ Connor thought,  _ not even a day and the kid is already attached to me. _ He doesn't know how long he'll stick around but he sure does hope Evan won't be following him around like a lost puppy during that time. Especially since he'll only disappoint that kid in the end, it's best to cut this off now. Despite that, Connor still returned the small nod as though to acknowledge the kid’s worries and goes against everything he was just thinking about in his inner monologue, “Don’t worry, I’ll still be here. In fact, I’ll even go inside with you if you want. I’ll…” He didn’t like the idea of awkwardly hovering around the family’s dinner, “I’ll wait for you in the living room or maybe even your room or… just…..”

    Evan was now looking directly at him, giving the ghost his full attention. Distantly, Connor heard the mother reluctantly say something along the lines of giving Evan five minutes to do whatever he needs to do before coming to dinner and watched as she slowly walked back into the house. The kid didn’t even notice his mother’s absence, seemingly more concerned with the awkward pause he was left with. The small moment gave Connor time to find the words he needed though.

    “I’m not going anywhere. I'm staying right here, okay?”

    His voice was firm and confident despite being unsure if it was really true. He’s been a ghost for only an hour now and is sitting in a tree for seemingly no reason. Connor had no idea how this ghost stuff worked and couldn’t guarantee that he won’t be arbitrarily teleported to another location or ripped from this reality altogether to go to heaven or hell or whatever. But, despite being so simple, the words seemed to connect with Evan, sending a spark to his expression. He nodded and began his descent down the tree.

    Connor was content with that. He should probably start climbing down as well, but, briefly wondering what sort of ghost abilities he had, he instead pushes himself off the branch and sure enough, his ass was still in the air. Straightening out of floaty sitting position he was still in, Connor tries to will himself down to catch up with Evan. It was odd feeling weightless, it was even odder trying to control it. The first few seconds were spent awkwardly flailing and looking like an idiot, his nonexistent balance causing him to sway like a lightweight drunk in zero gravity. The embarrassing display must have been amusing to look at because Evan had stopped to stare while quietly giggling. It took him a bit, but Connor finally figured out how handle his levitation. Which was good because the frustration was starting to hurt his face with the sheer power of furrowed eyebrows. With simply the idea of weight and need to descend in Connor’s head, his form begins to pull towards the ground. Although, he momentarily releases the thoughts to halt his drop once he is next to Evan standing on a branch.

    “Hey, don’t laugh at me I’m still new at this you little jerk.”

    Evan gave only one last chuckle before continuing to lower himself down to the next branch until…

 

_  Snap. _

 

    The branch Evan had held onto gave away, the suddenness catching him off guard causing his feet to miss the limb he planned to stand on. Connor felt a surge of panic. Evan is falling. He's falling backwards. If he landed on his back he would die. A death. His mother. A funeral. The tears. A child's death. The flowers. Died too young. His suit. The open casket. His family crying. Connor grabs Evan's outstretched arm.

    Just as quickly as he had fallen, Evan is immediately pulled back to safely land on the branch. The incident probably only lasted no more than five seconds, but Connor felt as though five years was shaved off his lifespan. Or...death-span. Existence-span? Whatever-measurement-of-consciousness-ghosts-go-by-span. The adrenaline he felt started to dissipate along with the odd flurry of funeral images once Evan was no longer in danger. They both took a moment to breathe, trying to fully process what had just happened. The flashes of the funeral scene didn't sit well with Connor, he no longer saw them, nor was he trying to remember them, but they had moved from his head to make a home in the pit of his stomach. He felt sick. It felt personal but Connor couldn't quite place why, all he knew was that if he hadn't grabbed Evan in time it would have been a reality. Grabbed.  _ Grabbed. _

_    Connor had grabbed Evan's arm. _

    He looks down at his hands. They're semitransparent, the colors faded with a tiny tint of blue, ever so slightly flickering, but he had made them solid enough to touch something. To  _ save  _ something. His hands clenches into a fist, smiling at the new revelation. For once he felt happy with himself, he actually did something good. His short interaction with Evan so far had been mostly a series of fuck ups with only a sprinkle of good moments shared with the kid's mother. But this? This was entirely his own moment. He wasn't the monster his family saw. He has to protect this kid now. When Connor looks up, he sees Evan clutching the trunk for dear life as he had before. He doesn't seem to be budging anytime soon. That wasn’t good.

    “Evan, I know you're scared but you'll be safe on the ground. Can you keep climbing down just a little more?”

    Connor was using the best calming voice he could muster, it wasn't convincing and still had an edge to it but he desperately needed to keep the kid from crying again. Evan was only about fifteen feet off the ground now but that's certainly enough to scare a seven year old. Evan shook his head, he will not move.

    Connor sighs, “Okay, that's okay. You don't need to move just...just stay here for a moment. I'm gonna get help. I-don't worry I'll be right back!- I'll get your mom. Ju-just hold on tight and I'll come back with help, okay?”

    The danger had passed, but Evan is still scared. Connor wasn't good at calming kids but he did his best and was reaching his wit's end. This kid was jumpy as all hell, there was only so much he could do. Despite Connor's sentences being broken and incoherent, Evan nodded. With that, Connor slowly floated away shouting one last round of half-assed assurances before drifting towards the small house.

    The entrance was a beat up sliding screen with a similar glass slide door behind it. Connor phases through both with ease to be inside the house and attempts to push the glass door open. This proved to be much more difficult, Connor concentrated as hard as he could to make his form solid enough to move the door, trying to replicate whatever the fuck he did before to save Evan. Time to practice his ghost abilities now he supposed. Connor took his time thinking of solidity and structure, hoping to gain the same effect of thinking about weight when needing to float down. He tried concentrating on pulling his form together, turning the feeling in his body from a whispy and floaty cloud to a hard rock. He thought about his need to help Evan. The door had only slid open about three inches but it'll have to do. Connor turned from the door and saw the mother a few feet away at a table. She was distracted by a mountain of documents to notice the door slowly sliding open on its own. Connor floats over and swipes his hand over the papers, causing them to react as though a small gust of wind passed over them. It was much easier to move the papers, he noted. The mother shivered from the sudden chill of Connor's presence, looking up when the papers were disturbed to see the sliding door just slightly opened. She got up, muttering something about how she could've sworn it had been closed it all the way, and strides over to the door. Her hand goes to the handle, in position to pull it back shut, but Connor goes to push her hand in the opposite direction. It doesn't work, with Connor's thoughts and concentration being clouded with an abrupt feeling of something amiss, his hands phase right through the mother's with minimal resistance. However, cold feeling seemed to be enough for her to notice the gesture at all. A look of confusion crosses her face but she takes the strange nudge as a sign and slides open the glass door, then the screen door, and walks outside. She didn't need to complete the full trek to the tree to see her son paralyzed with fear, unable to climb down.

    The mother calls out to Evan in panic, “S-sweetie!? Are you okay? Mommy is going to get the ladder stay right there okay? E-everything is going to be okay!”

    She had practically shouted that last part as she ran back inside. Connor, now experiencing full blown panic from seeing the mother's extreme reaction, flies past her and into the tree to replace the role of reassuring Evan. The child was trembling and breathing heavily. Tears were rolling down his face as he struggled to fight against fainting from the lack of oxygen in order to continue gripping onto the tree. His emotional state had rapidly deteriorated far beyond the stage he was in when Connor had first met the kid. Connor felt disgusted with himself for being shocked at the sight, disgusted with himself for even thinking the panic would be instantly over the moment he pulled Evan to safety. Evan was just a kid who had literally scrapped by the jaws of death and Connor was a fucking idiot to not realized that he would be scared shit-less afterwards. He should've put in more effort in easing Evan's fears, he should've stayed longer, reassured him more, been faster with getting help, not taking his sweet time just to figure out his powers, not be a fucking god damn idiot. Just when Connor thought he had finally done something right he just had to go and fuck up again. He was babbling a useless stream of comforting words that only served to procure more panic from Evan due to the franticness laced within his voice. He kept fucking up even when Connor's dead he's still fucking things up. He's so stupid. This is his fault. He couldn't do anything right. Evan is crying because of him. He was just making things worse. Soon, everything started to feel fuzzy.

    Connor had been reduced to shaking and crying, much like Evan, when he heard the clatter of metal next to him. A comforting voice was floating closer to them but Connor couldn’t tell who it was. He felt a haze of blonde flow through him as the echo of his sobbing drifted away with the soothing noise. Blurs of blonde and blue were fluttering before his cotton filled head until they dissolved completely, leaving Connor with only a ball of yellow-orange light in the distance, melting into a multitude of pink, blues, and purples with strokes of white over the whole image. He continued to stare at it.

    Connor blinked, coming back to his senses to see the black night sky dotted with constellations. He recalled a small window in time where he had been able to name every single one of them with passion, but now he could only name Orion with the distinct three dots of the belt. Connor looks around, realizing he's alone. A ladder was to his left now and the streetlights from a nearby road are lit. How long had he blanked out? Connor mindlessly floats down to the ground, briefly glancing around for any sign of Evan in the backyard. When he saw none, he comes to the reasonable conclusion that the kid is now in the house and phases inside. He needed to know if Evan was okay. He needed to assess the damage he had done.

    The inside of the home was small and cozy. The few potted plants and homely furniture that decorated the space was nothing fancy by any means, but they gave the atmosphere a soft, welcoming vibe in spite of it feeling strangely empty. Connor drifts past the table of untouched scattered documents and decides to follow the sound of running water from the other room. He notices quite a few faced-down framed photos on the way. Once he reaches the source of the noise, Evan drying the dishes as his mother washes, Connor takes a moment to analyze the house once again from his new vantage point in the kitchen. It seemed to be one story, given the size from the outside and no set of stairs on the inside. There were only three doors leading to different rooms and now that he was really looking at the décor, he could tell things were indeed missing. There were peculiar gaps between objects where something had to have been there before along with several saturated squares of color on the faded blue walls where pictures clearly used to hang from but are now absent. More importantly, and possibly the most glaring signal of all was how there seemed to be no sign of anyone else aside living here from Evan and his mother. Speaking of which, when Connor directs his attention back to them, Evan is staring at him with wide eyed fascination. Connor isn't quite sure what that look meant, but he nods in acknowledgement and tells Evan that he'll find his room and meet the kid there. Evan nods back and turns back to apologize to his mother who had noticed the seemingly random drop of productivity as Connor flies off. From what he has seen, Evan is clearly an only child so finding the only kid's room in the small house shouldn't be so hard. The first room he goes into is a bathroom, but the second one has an open square toy chest filled with various toy cars and plushies, an elementary school sized backpack, and a twin sized bed covered with a star themed duvet. Bingo.

    Safely writing off the last room he hadn't checked as the parent's room, Connor settles into the center of Evan’s carpet to collect his thoughts.

_     What the fuck was he doing. _

    Why the fuck was he trying so hard to please this kid, he could've floated off a long time ago to literally anywhere else yet here he is. More importantly, why the fuck was he even here at all? Why did he still  _ exist. _ The whole point of him doing what he did was to not. After all he had been through, all he had done, all his attempts, he finally succeeds and  _ he's still fucking here. _ Why? The strangest thing about the whole situation was that he didn't feel angry about it. In fact, he hasn't blown up at all the whole time he's been a ghost. It hadn't been very long so it maybe too early to call it, but it's as though something inside Connor was keeping him in check. At first, it was his embarrassing soft spot for children that he will never admit to another soul, but then even when he was feeling frustrated with other tasks, like learning to control his levitation, the anger never boiled over. Not only that, in times when he would normally lash out at any nearby persons out of fear and self loathing, Connor goes into a state of disassociation instead. Sure, he had experienced them before while he was alive but they were somewhat rare given that his default defense mechanism is to scream and be angry. So shutting down twice in one day between the span of like a couple of hours? Completely and utterly bizarre. The anger is definitely still there, Connor can feel its unwavering presence at all times no matter what, but now, it seems to at least be on a leash. Connor doesn't quite know what this means.

    Evan comes back in his pajamas after he had briefly stopped by to pick them up and haul to the bathroom. Now that he's back with clean teeth and slightly damp hair, he immediately runs over to Connor still in the center of the room patiently waiting for him. Evan's mother ducks her head through the door, letting her son know that he has ten minutes of last minute playtime before she comes back up to tuck him in. Evan nods to show his compliance and turns to Connor once she shuts the door. After a moment of silence, Connor decides to speak up.

    “I'm sorry.”

    The only response is Evan's face contorting to a mix of worry and confusion with a slight head tilt to the right. Connor takes a deep breath.

    “For uh leaving you like that. In the tree after you nearly fell. You were scared and um I shouldn't have left so quickly, I should've realized how bad it was an-”

    “Did you mean what you said?”

    “What?” Connor was completely caught off guard. Evan had spoken in exclusively hushed tones and was very timid about speech, but just now, not only did he spoke with confidence, he had actually interrupted Connor. Even if he didn't understand what the question meant, Connor was thoroughly impressed to say the least. It didn't end there.

    “Did you mean what you said? About not leaving.”

_    I’m not going anywhere. I'm staying right here, okay?  _ echos through his head. Did Connor really mean those words when he said them? Absolutely fucking not. He would’ve like to, but once again, he had no clue what square of the chessboard the high entity above him will move him to next. It was more of the sentiment that he wanted to stay rather than a promise he would actually follow through on. Even so, Connor felt different now. He couldn't quite explain the sensation, but unlike before be felt a strange certainty in his chest. He just somehow knew the choice will be his now.

    “Yes, I'm not going anywhere.”

    Evan nods, satisfied with what he has been told and continues to speak in that out of place firm tone, “Then that means you're already doing good. Also, I was never mad at you for leaving me in the tree. I don't know why you are saying sorry for that.”

    Evan walks off, leaving Connor completely stunned by what had just happened. After fleetingly wallowing in his state of what the fuck, Connor looks over to see Evan dig around in the toy chest with the clear intent of looking for something very specific. Connor hovers over and asks what Evan is looking for. He doesn't respond to the question, but once Evan finally finds the specific toy he wants, he holds it out for Connor to see. In Evan’s little band-aid covered hand was a small toy truck, about five inches long, and made out of cheap orange plastic. Connor doesn't fully understand how to handle kids but he's supposed to entertain them, right?

    “Do you want to play with that truck? Should I get a car and you try to run me over?”

    Evan shakes his head, apparently glossing over the bit of dark humor Connor had just delivered. Instead, Evan walks away from the chest and steps on a little stool that allows him to reach the window in his room. Connor follows behind, feeling curiosity quickly replaced with bewilderment as Evan opens the window and proceeds to chuck the toy out of it as hard as he can. It probably landed in the neighbor's backyard.

    “Wa-woah, hey! You shouldn't throw your toys away like that, kid. Do you uh...do that all the time?”

    Evan steps down from the stool after pulling the window back down and simply shakes his head, “No, but that one had to go.”

    The bewilderment is swapped with curiosity once again as Connor is about to ask for an explanation, but he is immediately interrupted by a small knock followed with the mother poking her head in from the door. Evan's ten minutes were up.

    When she greets her son, Evan is bouncing up and down then bolts in the opposite direction to futilely scramble into his bed. Evan's mom softly laughs as she makes her way across the room, lifting her small son onto the mattress and begins to tuck him in while making small offers of getting Evan a glass of water or reading a bedtime story, all met with a soft “no thank you”. Once she had cycled through all her offers, the mother begins to gently pet Evan's hair while planting a kiss on his cheek. Connor notices how Evan's energy throughout the whole process seemed to be waning. He assumed that it was due to exhaustion and his doting mother's care, but Connor is swiftly proven wrong when Evan suddenly sat up and said, “Is there another truck coming to the driveway?”

    With one sentence, everything comes to a halt for just a single second. Not fully understanding the gravity of what had just been said without context, Connor looks to the mother's face, watching the shift in slow motion to form the most heartbroken expression he has ever seen on another human being when her son finishes with, “One that will take mommy away.”

    Instantaneously, everything is set into motion again when Evan's mother begins to sob a heartfelt response, but Connor wasn't listening. This was their personal moment and he shouldn't impose on it. He needed to go. As he leaves, he turns back and see's Evan staring at him again as his mother is whispering, “Now it's just me and my little guy…”

    Connor gives a small nods to Evan and whispers, “Don't worry, I'll be back,” before disappearing into the walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so big/so small: it was a february day  
> my bitch ass back in chapter 1: and the tree was full of green leaves with a shit ton of apples
> 
> also, this chapter ended up being A LOT longer than i thought it was gonna be but given the length i didnt really edit it as much as i did for ch1 so its not really as good and im not proud of it as much but here it is


	3. Jared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings this is a good wholesome jared chapter

    Evan was eight when Jared learns about him.

 

    Today, the compact house was decorated with balloons and streamers that were as colorful as Evan’s band-aids. Presents were strewn in a corner of the living room while the small neighborhood children ran amuck in paper cone hats to the tune of exuberant music with parents enjoying the festivities within the safe calm of the kitchen. It was April twenty-fourth, Evan’s birthday, meaning Connor has been around for about two months now. It was incredible how much he had learned about both himself and the family of two during that short amount of time. For example, he has a much better grasp on his ghost powers now. While it still exhausts him, Connor doesn’t need to concentrate as much to move objects or handle his levitation and, with enough focus, he could even levitate other objects without “touching” them. He can only really do that with paper or leaves at the moment. Although, as cool as the ghost abilities are, they came with certain restrictions. For whatever reason, Connor was bound to Evan and the house. He couldn’t leave the small space unless it was with Evan so the most sightseeing he’s done as an apparition were playgrounds and elementary schools. If he veered far enough from either anchor, his path would just become a one track bullet to either location of his choice. He could control where he went in that sense at the very least. Though, Connor didn’t really mind, while he did want to check in on his family it wasn’t exactly top priority and he had no interest to be anywhere else. He was content with staying in the quietude of the house or accompanying Evan in learning his ABC’s.

    On the subject of Evan, Connor had learned a lot about him and his mother as well. His mom’s name is Heidi and both of their last names are Hansen, Evan dislikes crusts on his sandwiches, Heidi works as a nurse for the local children’s hospital, and she is very good friends with a woman named Katelyn Kleinman. These mothers seem to have a theme of alliteration with their names. Right, mother! Connor had listened to Evan lament about how someone named Jared Kleinman hasn’t come over to play in a bit, so, while Connor has yet to actually see the kid, he is aware of the fact that Mrs. Kleinman has a son around Evan’s age. According to Evan, this Jared kid was “fun” to say the least. The two didn’t exactly have many common interests, but neither seemed to have many other friends, particularly Evan, so they enjoy each other's company nonetheless.

    At the party, Connor sees Heidi and Katelyn, who had just recently arrived, in the kitchen chatting next to the ready-to-be-served birthday cake. He had overheard Katelyn blather about how her son broke a toe during a game of softball, which was the reason why she hadn’t brought him over the last two months, but she simply couldn’t have him miss his best friend’s birthday. _That means Jared is here,_ Connor thought, _Evan will be happy to hear that._ He flew off in search of the child to tell him the news. Though, this proved to be burdensome now that the kids were playing hide and seek. He did however see one child excluded from the activity. This was most likely because the kid had arrived in the middle of the game, but the small cast over his foot was also probably a factor. Unless another kid just so happened to break their toe but came to Evan’s birthday party anyway, this had to be Jared. He sat alone on the small couch, wearing large, thick framed glasses that made him look like a knockoff Harry Potter paired with a yellow t-shirt with the _Star Wars_ logo printed on it. He was also wearing shorts, so Connor could see the same colorful band-aids that litter Evan’s hands on Jared’s scuffed up knees and elbows. Their mothers must buy the same brand or something. Evan’s hands were covered with the band-aids from frequently biting his nails until they bled, so Connor wonders if Jared got his scrapes from softball or some other form of childish self harm. While in his thoughts, Connor notices the tiniest bit of movement from the curtains behind the couch out of the corner of his eye. Upon closer inspection, Connor could see a smidge of blue peek out from behind the curtain and chuckles softly. He floats over Jared on the couch and crouches down to see Evan curled up in a ball, trying to be hidden from the world. When he notices Connor, Evan makes a shushing motion with a smile and playfully whispers how Connor was gonna blow his cover despite being invisible to everyone else. Connor's next comment shatters all need to be stealthy though.

    “Jared’s here.”

    “JARED?!”

    Evan shoots up in a standing position with his outburst, causing Jared on the couch to nearly fall off in his jolt of surprise. The reaction made it easy for Evan to immediately locate his friend and zip around the piece of furniture at lightning speed to tackle him.

    “JARED’S HERE! JARED’S HERE!”

    “EVAN, FOOT! MY FOOT!”

    “Oh...sorry.”

    In Evan’s excitement, he had lifted up Jared with his surprisingly monstrous strength and started swinging him around. Realizing the injury, Evan slowly lowers Jared back down and releases him from his hold while looking a little embarrassed, but, after a beat of silence, Jared returns the hug. Connor couldn’t help but smile at the display. God kids are cute. A pleasant childhood memory of his sister resurfaces but Connor quickly bottles that shit up. He doesn’t need to think about how things used to be better between them. Jared’s casted injury is not the kind that requires crutches, but he still sits back down on the couch to ease the strain and the two kids start to exchange stories of what the other had missed: Jared’s softball war story (a stupid rock did it), Evan’s artistic achievements (it got on the fridge!), Jared’s new video game (Sonic the Hedgehog), and, finally, Connor.

    As of now, no one else aside from Evan knows about Connor. Or at least Ghost-Connor. Sure people have seen Evan talk to particularly no one before, but at his age, the behavior was simply written off as having an imaginary friend by adults. Heidi has especially taken an interest in humoring the idea by asking Evan to draw or describe his mysterious new “friend” and playing along to the best of her abilities. Unfortunately, despite being a child himself, Jared is reasonably on the side of the skeptics unwilling to indulge the delusion.

    “So...he’s like…..dead?”

    “O-oh yeah uh kinda...”

    “How did he die?”

    “Oh um...I don’t know. He never told me a-and it seemed kind of bad to ask.”

    “Well, is he here now?”

    “Yeah! He’s right there.” Evan points slightly to the right of the space between him and Jared, directly at Connor. Of course, when Jared looks to where Evan directed, he naturally saw nothing. He turns back to Evan with a hilariously stern face of skepticism for such a small child causing Evan to desperately scramble for Jared to believe him.

    “Oh! Uh I know it’s weird but uh for some reason only I can see him? I know that uh- that doesn’t really h-help, Connor doesn’t really know why it’s like that either, but um uh h-he is real...I mean- like um...like why would I make t-this up? I…”

    Evan was understandably at a lost for words now, no one could make this sound believable. He stood there, fidgeting and biting his fingers while trying to come up with a way to prove his honesty. Connor hated seeing that nervous tick and at this point, not even Jared was at ease with how this conversation was deteriorating. Simultaneously, both launch into a harangue of comfort with Jared insisting that he definitely believes in the invisible ghost man and Connor offering to prove his existence by doing ghost stuff to move objects or whatever. This goes on for a bit until Evan raises both his hands to placate them.

    “S-stop, you’re both talking at the same time and it’s a little…”

    Even with Jared unable to see or hear Connor, they somehow manage to perfectly synchronize an apology before Evan continues, ”Um it’s okay, I’m fine. Jared, it’s okay if you don’t believe me and Connor, if you still wanna um show Jared that’s fine too.”

    A moment for the excitement to settle passes and Jared agrees to offer of seeing Connor’s ghost tricks. Evan perks up, gently dragging Jared off the couch and to his room with Connor following close behind while ignoring all of the other kids starting a new round of hide and seek without the birthday boy. When they reached his room, Evan goes over to his toy chest and sifts through it. Jared waddles over to assists in finding toys while Evan explains the gist of Connor’s powers to establish a good guideline of props for the My Ghost Friend Who Only I Can See is Totally Real Extravaganza. Jared seemed more interested in the prospect of playing with toys in general than the actual show but was excited nonetheless. Connor watches the two kids trifle through the box from his spot in the center of the room, enjoying how Evan creates little stories for each toy he sets down and Jared making his own scenarios consisting of only goofy sound effects. Connor is happy to have finally met Jared, especially after seeing how ecstatic Evan is about having him over, but it was hard to not think about his sister when he sees the two kids play together. Being around kids these past few months have made him realize the sole reason why he was never too fond of them yet for some reason had this stupid soft spot. That sole reason being his little sister. It wasn’t just his little sister though, oh no. The reason was specifically Connor and his sister _when they were kids._ Back before everything went to shit. It was hard to wholeheartedly enjoy children having fun when he is constantly reminded of how his own childhood friendship dissolved into pure liquid shit. It was bittersweet, a terribly bittersweet thing. A part of him wishes to believe that these kids have the potential to be better than him, but another part refuses to partake in the illusion.

    Connor is taken out of his thoughts to Evan regaining his attention with a plethora of toy cars, blocks stacked on top of eachother, and an animal soundboard most likely left over from Evan’s preschool days laid out in front of him. Jared has taken a seat in front of the display, a pillow for his foot had been provided, while Evan runs up next to Connor and makes a big show of introducing him, which must have looked hilarious to Jared since to him, Evan was just gesturing to nothing. Even so, Jared still gives a boisterous applause to Evan’s over the top introduction. Connor couldn’t help but laugh.

    Once Evan takes a bow for his part of the performance, Connor floats over to a tower of blocks, takes a deep breath, and knocks the blocks over. In the midst of giggling over Evan’s bow, Jared’s playfulness is swiftly swapped for intense interest over the action. Evan, on the other hand, remains high-spirited by applauding. Connor goes over to the toy cars and pushes one over to Jared. He picks it up and examines it for any sort of wires or mechanism that may have caused it to move, even testing if it was one of those pull back and go cars, when he found nothing he looked at Evan in amazement.

    “Okay! Okay! I know that he's real, now I wanna ask questions. Gimme the animals thing!”

    Evan questions why they would need the device to talk to Connor when he could just tell Jared what he was saying, but complies and hands him the toy anyway. Jared takes the toy once it was passed to him and switches it on before replying, “But that's no fun! I wanna hear it from the ghost himself. What do you already know about him?”

    Evan takes a seat across from Jared, the toy in between them, “Oh um, not much really? His name is Connor and he paints his nails.”

    “He paints his nails? But he's a boy?”

    “Yeah uh, Connor says that that stuff shouldn't matter and that gender roles are dumb.”

    Connor feels somewhat proud of himself when Jared responds with a simple “oh okay” before moving on. He has influenced two kids now with his homosexual millennial thinking and his father would definitely be fucking pissed.

    “Um...he said he had a baby sister but he didn't really wanna talk about it and he also doesn't like crusts on his sandwiches either!”

    “But crusts are delicious!”

    “Are not!”

    The next few moments are filled with giggling and a series of “you're weird/no _you’re_ weird” being exchanged along with a side of playful banter. They playfully poke each other and Connor smiles as he shoves Sister Memory #34 back into the repressed childhood memories vault where it belongs. Jared steers the conversation back to the main topic.

    “Whatever, more for me! Anyway, is that really all you know? You didn't ask him anything else?”

    “Um no not really…”

    “Aw c’mon, Ev! If this were me, I would be asking a million questions! Here here, how old are you, Connor? Just use the number buttons here.”

    Connor rolls his eyes but presses the numbers one and seven on the machine facing sideways towards him. After the toy finishes reciting the numbers in a silly tone, Evan turns the device to properly face towards Connor as Jared continues to grow more excited.

    “Seventeen?! He's seventeen?! I thought he was gonna be a kid just like us.”

    Evan shakes his head, “No, he's really tall, taller than my mom.”

    “Woah, so he's like a big kid? Who went to highschool and everything?”

    Connor verbally confirms the question and Evan relays the information to Jared.

    “W-wa hey, no! None of that, that's not fair. He has to answer through the thing!” Jared pats his hand against the toy to emphasize his point, “the pig is for yes and the cow is for no, got it?”

    Connor laughs and rolls his eyes for a second time, but he presses the pig for Jared's sake. He felt a sheer sense of ridiculousness when the comedic sound of oinking pigs emitted from the speakers.

    Jared puffs out his chest in pride, “Okay! So um...if you paint your nails do you also have earrings?”

     Connor would like to have earrings, it was a thing he had considered for quite a bit but never did. The reason had been mostly due to wanting to do the whole piercing process only once and Connor couldn't quite decide how many or the style he wanted. Any at all would have certainly pissed off his father though. He presses the cow but voices his sentiments about wanting them. Minus the pissing off dad part.

    “He does want them though,” Evan relays as a moo could be heard. Jared nods in agreement and they continue onto the next question.

    This goes on for another thirty minutes or so, filled with relatively pointless icebreaker questions since major topics about his death and family were off the table. Everyone was having fun learning more about everyone, Evan and Jared even jokingly press the corresponding button for their answers from time to time only to imitate the noises. The amount of jokes and stories shared among the three served to cement a long lasting connection between them all, it's not everyday you become friends with a ghost. However, the good times had to be put on hold at some point. This was the case when Heidi pokes her head in from behind the door.

    “Evan! Oh and Jared too! There you both are, we've been looking for you. C’mon, it's time for cake!”

    This was probably the first time in history where not one, but two children were about to refuse cake. But, at Connor's insistence, they went. Evan to fulfill his birthday boy duties of blowing out the candles and Jared fulfilling his best friend duties of being the first person to get a slice. And so they did.

    Once both kids had a plate of cake in their hands, they immediately retreat back into Evan's room as quickly as they could (Jared was placed in a rolling chair while Evan pushed) with Connor following close behind. Connor never exactly left the kids’ sides, but they couldn't talk freely with all the guests around. He was okay with Jared knowing about him, but adding more into the mix would be problematic. In the bedroom, they continued to chat about meaningless things. Though, this time without the toy. Jared seemed complacent with letting Evan be a translator for now. A few minutes later, eating the cake seemed to give Jared an inquiry, “Oh yeah! When's Connor's birthday? Does he even have one?”

    Evan talking through a mouthful of cake responds, “Of course he has one!” The cake is gulped down, “It's…”

    He turns to Connor expectantly, who says, “January fifth.”

    “January fifth!” There is a moment of pause where Evan thinks, “Wait...we met in February. That means we have to wait a full year for your birthday!”

    There is disappointment on Jared's face as well, “Aw really?! No fair, mines in June and that's not too far away…”

    Connor assures the two that they can be patient and that ghost birthdays probably don't even matter anyway. The kids solemnly agree, digging into what's left of their cake. After some more moments of play, Jared's mother this time is in the doorway, beckoning her son that it was time to leave. Jared begs for more time, but with how late it was, he was at the end of his rope. Everyone else had already left, so once Jared goes the party would officially be over. Katelyn lifts Jared into her arms and takes him away with one last goodbye to Evan before he is left alone. Well, almost alone. Evan and Connor chat just a bit more until Heidi finishes seeing off the Kleinmans and whisks Evan away to complete his nightly routine before being put to bed.

    Connor uses this time to go over today's events. He had been lenient with letting Evan be so open about his presence given that no one takes him seriously, but now, someone _does._ The person is just another child, a very close friend at that, so no harm would be done, but when Evan gets older, that won't always be the case. He would hate to take a dark spin on a fucking child's birthday, but another year means another day where the imaginary friend bit gradually becomes less cute and more insane. God knows he is aware of how painful being labelled as that is. There will come a time where Connor will have to have this discussion with Evan, but with how jubilant of a day it's been he decides that today will not be that time. He looks over to see Evan tucked into bed, already drifting off to sleep due to the amount of energy he had exhausted today.

    “Goodnight, Ev.”

    Evan smiles and that's all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im much more proud of this chapter than the last one haha
> 
> also if you havent noticed ive been trying to update this fic every sunday, no promises but that will be the rule of consistency i will try to abide by!
> 
> and now jared headcanons woo:  
> -i have a baby cousin who was born prematurely and had underdeveloped eyes so she had to wear glasses since birth basically, this is what i imagine for jared so thats why he already has glasses at like age 7  
> -im a sucker for conspiracy theorist jared so you bet your sweet ass this being friends with a ghost thing is gonna spark an interest in the paranormal later on  
> -evan and jared are the bestest friends ever as kids and no one can tell me otherwise!!  
> -not exactly important to the story but i do want to make clear that jared's dad is indeed there he'll just never show up really, more implied than anything else
> 
> also!! about the birthdays:  
> -i was going to make evan's birthday ben platt's but thats in september and a 7 month difference of jared not knowing seemed a bit unreasonable so i bunked it up to april  
> -connor's is the same as mike faist  
> -will roland is born on march 5th but i am a full believer that jared was born on 6/9


	4. The Piano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys talk some things out

    Evan didn’t get a chance to open his birthday presents yesterday, he had been so preoccupied with Jared and Connor that he had forgotten about them altogether. So now, Evan is unwrapping boxes in the living room while eating leftover cake for breakfast. Connor shakes his head in disgust when Evan pulls a pair of uggs out of the box. The shoes are wordlessly placed back and the box is shoved off to the side while an equally disgusted expression is worn on Evan. Good kid. Evan continues to open more presents, many of them being generic clothes or gift cards since none of the guests were actually friends with Evan to know his interests. A couple of toys had also been given to him, but they were all bargain bin items from the boys section like plastic dinosaurs or cars. Evan didn’t seem to mind the particularly shitty gifts but he wasn’t exactly ecstatic about them either. So far, the haul had nothing of note (with the exception of a blue stuffed bunny from Jared) until Evan tears open a box, wrapped in what is likely leftover christmas wrapping paper given the gaudy red/green color scheme, to find a toy keyboard piano.

    It was a cheap, thirty dollar children’s keyboard piano that doesn’t even come with batteries and yet it was the best gift Evan had received all day. Well, second best. The blue rabbit gets mandatory best friend points. Evan's continuous stare in awe at the keyboard piques Connor's interest. To his knowledge, Evan does not know how to play an instrument, nor has he showed any particular interest in music, but the countenance he is currently displaying says otherwise. Connor knows that look. It was the same look he had given to a thousand dollar upright piano at a music store ten years ago. The same look that caused his parents to immediately buy it and book piano lessons the next day in hopes to “fix” their broken son. It didn't, but he loved piano nonetheless. It was a good past time, tinkering with the notes and melodies given to him. He never quite stuck to the song during practices, much to his instructor's dismay, he more enjoyed composing than anything else. He didn't care for recitals or jazz band like his sister, performing wasn't his thing. Connor just enjoyed playing with the music. Although, his parents’ insistence on the matter was the reason why he had “stopped” towards freshman year of highschool. He never actually did of course. He would secretly play the instrument placed right in his room when no one else was home to ease his stress, but hiding the habit eventually became too tiring. Connor never lost his drive for music, he just slipped further into his depressed state. His whole family believes he completely gave up playing piano in middle school in favor of drugs or whatever kids his age were doing, but the truth was that he began to play less and less throughout his high school career until he….

    Back to Evan. The kid had taken the toy out of the box now and was mindlessly tapping the muted keys. When he notices Connor is done swimming in his own thoughts, he seems to have a tendency to do that alot more lately, Evan looks at him expectantly, probably waiting for Connor to voice whatever he was thinking about.

    “Hey, you wanna go find batteries for that thing?”

    It wasn't the response Evan wanted, his look of worry and disappointment says it all, but he voices none of it and agrees to the offer of finding batteries. Connor's unwillingness to share the more personal details of his life certainly bothered Evan, but the kid was never one to pry. He places the keyboard on the coffee table and hops off the couch, following Connor as the ghost leads the way to where he last saw Heidi putting the batteries. Ghost friend perks. They go over to the kitchen, Connor points to a drawer by the counter and Evan pushes over a chair to actually reach it. After digging around the useless junk for a bit, Evan pulls out two plastic packets marked “AA” and “AAA”. Neither remembered to even check what batteries the toy took, so Evan brings both over to the living room where they find Heidi, who had just come out of the shower, now in her light blue scrubs.

    “Hello, dear! You got a toy piano for your birthday? That's wonderful, it doesn't come with batteries though I'll get those for- oh! You already found them? Oh my, you must be a little detective!”

    Heidi bends down and affectionately ruffles her son's hair, continuing to praise what a smart little boy he was. That is, until she notices that Evan was holding two packets of batteries. She smiles and takes on a playful British accent.

     “Ah, but here is where your investigation is flawed, dear Watson. Had you not overlooked the details, you would have known that this piano only takes double A’s.”

    Evan giggles at the ridiculous voice as Heidi takes the packet marked “AA” from him and pulls out three batteries. She had already opened the cover on the back of the toy beforehand and begins to place the cylinders inside each compartment, making sure that the positive and negative ends were facing where they needed to be. Once they were in and the cover was snapped back on, Heidi flips the keyboard upright and places it on the table before flipping the  _ ON/OFF _ switch. She tests the keys. Once the pleasant plinks of the piano is heard, she stands up while pulling out her cell phone and turns to Evan, who had placed the other packet of batteries he was still holding on the table.

    “Okay! It should be ready to go now, my little musician. Mommy has to leave now, but the new babysitter should be here in ten minutes. His name is Benjamin Miller and he is tall, has longish dark brown hair, and will probably be wearing all black.”

    Evan tilts his head to the right in curiosity, “Like Connor?”

    Heidi glances over to the crayon drawing Evan had made of him and the “imaginary friend” on the fridge as a refresher before nodding and saying, “Yes, like Connor. Do not open the door for anyone else except for a young man who looks like Connor named Benjamin Miller, got it?”

    Evan nods and gives a mock soldier salute. Heidi mimics the gesture before breaking the faux professionalism to plant a big kiss on the little boy's cheek.

    “Okay, I'm going now. Love you, be safe, and be good for the babysitter, okay? Play on your new piano, maybe you can even play a whole concert by the time I get home!”

    Evan giggles under the spotlight of a doting mother, agreeing to do all his mother had asked and returning the love you sentiment before she gets up and steadily makes her way to the door, clearly stalling for time. The phone in Heidi's hand goes off, she frowns when she sees that it's from work to probably let her know that she should really be there by now. She sighs before giving one last goodbye to Evan and opens the door to leave, but she stops in her tracks when she nearly runs into a man, no older than twenty-two, standing on the porch with a fist awkwardly raised and ready to knock.

    “Oops! Sorry I know I'm a bit early but I guess it was kinda perfect timing in this sense, ha ha…”

    Heidi takes a step back from the awkward position to give the man proper personal space, “Ah, I suppose so. Thank you for coming, you're Benjamin Miller, correct?”

    “The one and only, the babysitter who goes for eleven dollars an hour suggested to you by Katelyn Kleinman.”

    Heidi sighs in relief at the confirmation, “Good, good. Everything you need to know about him is in a little brown book in the kitchen, all my contact information along with Katelyn’s if needed is in there too. My number is also on a sticky note taped to the fridge as well, if you have any questions please call me. Evan is a bit shy and may not always verbally answer, but I assure you that he will follow directions as long as you are patient with him. He already had cake for breakfast so don’t give him any more sweets and….”

    Benjamin nods at each point of new information after information Heidi gives him and waves her off once she gives one last goodbye to Evan and finally leaves. Connor examines the new babysitter, they really did have a somewhat similar fashion sense. His hair was shorter than Connor's, but definitely runs a tad longer than most male haircuts. His jeans were ripped and the band on his T-shirt was obscure as fuck, hell even his nails were painted pitch black. He definitely didn't look like the type to be good with kids, but then again neither was Connor and yet here they both are. At least the garb let's him know that this babysitter won't be crazy religious and run out like the last one. She had seen Evan talking to Connor and immediately cried demons then bolts out of the house as fast as she could, pleading to anyone who would listen to call a priest. Heidi really regrets hiring that one. The event is probably why a twenty-two year old man still in his emo phase had been hired as the new babysitter.

    Benjamin shuts the front door, locking it for Heidi as well, and turns to see Evan standing a few feet away from him. Benjamin crouches down to be eye level with the child, careful to not breach the distance in between them, and greets Evan while introducing himself, he even offers Evan to just call him Ben for short. The only response is Evan giving a small wave back before going to grab the keyboard and retreat into his room. Connor watches as Ben slowly stands back up while muttering about how Heidi wasn’t kidding when she said her kid was shy, and goes over to the kitchen, presumably to find the book Evan’s mother had mentioned. Connor watches for a moment more, seeing Ben’s shocked reaction to the drawing on the fridge before flying off after Evan. He remembers Heidi adding an entry in the book about Connor the Imaginary Friend after the incident so hopefully the children’s drawing of someone who looks eerily like Ben isn’t too frightening to him. Connor would hate to scare off another babysitter.

    Connor phases in through the wall to find Evan sitting in the center of his room playing a jumble of notes on the keyboard. He floats down and sits cross-legged across from the kid, even though he's a ghost and technically doesn't actually “sit”, observing how Evan notices Connor but spends a couple moments to hit a few more keys before giving the ghost his full attention. Connor knew he should take the initiative at this point but he was struggling to think of a topic to start on. It seems he didn't need to though when Evan starts the conversation himself by asking, “Do you know how to play piano?”

    Evan being the first to talk will always catch Connor off guard, but here the question itself sent him for a loop. He was fine with sharing pointless information like his birthday or wanting earrings, but piano? His hobby with piano was a bit more personal. Did he want to tell Evan about him playing piano? He definitely wanted to talk more about his life and be more than an enigma to the kid, but if he told Evan about him playing piano it would lead to him having to talk about composing then that would lead to Evan asking to hear what he wrote then that would lead to having to explain that he didn't like performing then-

    “I know that you can.”

    Connor jolts out of his inner dilemma in shock at Evan's words, entirely forgetting that he was even there in the first place. Evan seems to misconstrue the reaction though, as all confidence completely evaporates from him, “uh um I-I mean you p-probably play or uh someone in your family- or I mean someone you know plays a-and uh I um… yeah.”

    Connor tries to reply in his gentle-for-the-kids voice he's had to use a lot the past two months, “No it's okay, it's just… how did you know that? That I… played piano….”

    Evan remains quiet for a bit. It wasn't until he finally gathers up enough courage to respond that he says, “Y-you were thinking. When I first opened the box… you started doing that thing where you go quiet for a l-long time and stare at nothing with a uh…. a nothing face?”

    “A neutral face?”

    Evan nods, “Yeah, a neutral face. You look like you're thinking for a long time but afterwards you try to talk like t-the thinking didn't happen and um- but I think you should- or I m-mean, I know you don't like to- to talk about some stuff like your family or y-yourself or… something….”

    Evan seemed to want to say more, so Connor waits for another beat of silence to pass to allow Evan a moment to gather his words. Finally, after a few moments, he inhales and unloads his thoughts, “At school…. a boy w-was talking about how he was gonna have a little sister at show-and-tell and that he was gonna teach her to play a music thing s-so that they could play together a-and… and you were thinking about your own sister, weren't you? You only mentioned her once before after seeing a pink guitar at the store so I know she exists and plays guitar but at show-and-tell, when you got quiet and I asked about her you talked about something else that didn't have to do with anything at all. You….you changed the subject. You did the same thing with the batteries.”

    Connor stays silent, he hadn’t realized how observant Evan was. He knew the secrets bothered Evan, but he had assumed it was because of natural children’s curiosity. That it wouldn’t wear down on his mind because it was just a silly childish whim that he would forget about the next day. Now Connor knew that Evan didn’t care about  _ what _ he was thinking about, apparently he already knew all along. Evan cared about having Connor open up. He just wanted Connor  _ to talk _ to him. This child with a fucking heart of gold was worried about Connor being a closed off, isolated loner because he recognized that he was the ghost’s only consultant in the afterlife. Shit.  _ Shit _ , he is so dumb.

    Evan is picking at his band-aids, “A-are you um…. thinking again?”

    Shit, he was. Connor runs a hand through his hair, “Yeah, I was. Sorry, I’m not good with this type of stuff. I… I didn’t really have friends or talked to a lot of people while I was alive so…. I’m just used to being alone with my thoughts I guess.” He looks down and sees the keyboard, “Do you want me to teach you how to play?”

    Evan squints his eyes at Connor.

    “Oh! No no I’m not changing the subject again. I promise I will talk about what I’m thinking in the future, my family, my feelings… I won’t be so closed off anymore. I swear.”

    Evan holds out his little finger, a purple band-aid wrapped around the first knuckle, “Pinky swear?”

    With concentration and a small nod, Connor hooks his temporarily solid digit around Evan’s, “Pinky swear. In fact, let’s start right now. Did you know I used to write my own songs?”

    This catches Evan’s attention, the air of tension from before being lifted. A  _ really?/really. _ exchange is shared before Connor pats the cross of his ankles to beckon Evan over. Even though he couldn’t actually sit in Connor’s lap, Evan crawls over and sits in the space anyway, not caring when his bottom meets the carpet. Once the keyboard is turned around to face them, Connor leans forward over the small body and places his semi-transparent fingers on the keys, but makes no motion to focus and press down. Instead, Evan places his hands over Connor’s, positioning his fingers to be on the same keys, and plays a Cm chord.

    A beat of rest occurs as Connor begins to recall the next notes of the song, his fingers beginning to move automatically. Though he was admittedly rusty, the slowed movements served to actually be beneficial by allowing Evan time to mimic the motions. A melody soon follows the second chord and Evan begins to fumble a bit with the pace picking up but is somehow able to manage. Although, Connor barely even registers that Evan was the one playing anymore, he was completely caught up in the song he had created years ago. The sound and progression along with the automated movements provided a strange form of solace, it had been so long since he felt entirely immersed in music like this. It felt nice, as though nothing else mattered. Unfortunately, the experience was incredibly short lived.

    A D# chord was played and the instinctive activity of his fingers suddenly stops. He desperately tries to remember what melody came next, desperate for anything to prolong the feeling of contentment, but nothing came. They had played for about thirty seconds, only for Connor to realize that he had never finished the song. Evan curiously looks up to see what was wrong and Connor has to sheepishly tell him that the song was incomplete. After some thinking, he comes to the realization that he had left most of his compositions unfinished. When Evan questions his suddenly saddened expression, Connor hesitates before revealing his revelation. This new element of interaction will take some time to get used to.

    Evan looks disconsolated until a glint of comprehension overcomes his expression as he stands up and makes his way over to the small bookshelf by the window. After scanning the shelves, Evan pulls out a mini notebook and holds it out to Connor. A rather pointless observation, but Connor sees that the spiral bound book was a light green before Evan turns away and goes to rummage through a pencil case. People would assume his favorite color would be black, but in actuality, it was green. The color of the notebook did not provide an explanation, but Connor didn’t bother with asking since as of now he had dealt with Evan’s habit of performing certain actions without explanation plenty of times before. He just needs to let Evan do his thing.

   Once a sufficient marker is found, Evan sits down in front of Connor and sets the open notebook in between them, “Tell me the music letters!”

    Almost instantly, Connor responds, “The what?”

    “The music letter things! You were mumbling something like ‘C-M’ or ‘A-mine’ while we were playing, those are the names for the sounds and stuff, right?”

    “O...oh! You mean the notes and chords. Yeah, I guess you could say they’re the names of the sounds, but…. why do you want to know them?”

    Both of Evan's hands shoot up over his head, “Because you never finished the songs! So I’m gonna learn and help you finish them.” His hands come back down for one to be placed on his face in a contemplative manner, “Do you have any words for your songs?”

    Connor shakes his head, “Not at all.”

    “Then I’ll do that too!”

    “So you’ll be my co-writer  _ and _ lyricist?”

    Evan tilts his head to the right, “What’s a lee-rah-cis?”

    “You seem to be learning a lot of new words today, huh?”

 

★★★

 

    Later that day, Connor floats over to the living room and finds Ben in a phone call, gushing to whoever was on the other end about how  _ there is no fucking way your son has never picked up a piano before. If that was his first time playing he must be some sort of prodigy! _

    Connor disappears into the walls, wondering if he had made a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you know that in early drafts of the script, evan hansen fucking wore uggs? anyway benjamin miller is just michael lee brown!connor
> 
> also, as a guitar player, i had no fucking clue how to write that piano scene  
> just so you know the song they were playing is the piano accompaniment to disappear, specifically from 0:40 to 1:05  
> the video link should start at 40 seconds
> 
> https://youtu.be/OQgKK2i9AFU?t=40s


	5. The Influence

    For once, Connor was alone. Evan and Heidi had gone off to do a nice little mother-son picnic lunch for Heidi's rare day off. Connor didn't want to intrude on that so he decided to stayed home. Besides, Evan needed some quality time with his mother and Connor needed a break from playing babysitter. Don't get him wrong, he fucking loves being able to support and take care of Evan with all his heart, but everyone needs a rest from children once in awhile. Too bad Connor wasn't gonna fucking get it.

    While he was aimlessly hovering around in the living room, the front door suddenly opens. He knew it wasn't the Hansens, it was far too early for them to come back home, so Connor briefly wonders if someone just fucking broke in. Panic starts to set in as Connor scans the area to optimally plan the amount paranormal bullshit he has to do in order to scare the robbers off. He zooms over to the light switch, quickly deciding to start small before going to smash any plates or windows. Once a figure rushes through the door frame, Connor flicks the lights on but is surprised to find a small child with glasses instead of a shady old man.  _ Aw shit _ .

    When the lights seemed to mysteriously flick on, Jared looks around in curiosity and softly says, “Connor?”

    That's right, Connor forgot that the Kleinmans had a spare key to the house. Calming down from the initial paranoia, Connor floats over to be by the kid's side and causes him to shiver, Jared has learned to recognize when Connor was around from the drop in temperature. He turns towards the general direction he had felt the chill come from and proudly exclaims, “Hello!”

    At this, Mrs. Kleinman enters through the door as she single handedly puts away her keys while carrying some drinks, “They're not home right now, Jare-bear. There's no need for that- oh my, did Heidi leave the lights on? How forgetful of her…”

    She sets the beverages down on the kitchen counter before flicking the lights off with a tsk before telling Jared that he can watch TV while waiting for Evan to come home. The child promptly tells his mother no and scampers off to Evan's room instead leaving a slightly confused mother behind, still awkwardly crouching in the middle of the living room. 

    Connor follows behind Jared. He  _ really _ would’ve liked a break today, and it was somewhat irritating that he was currently being robbed of it, but he sighs and trudges on. He felt a need of responsibility for these kids now and the ghost perk of not being bogged down with physical exhaustion meant that he doesn’t have an excuse to not fulfill that need. Once they reach the room, Jared drops the small backpack he had onto the floor and starts bouncing off the walls from just general excitement. He had gotten his foot cast off a while ago, but it still amazes Connor just how much energy was locked inside that little homebound body now that he is free from his shackles. With a good portion of his vitality drained, leaving Jared to simply flap his arms excitedly, he briefly smiles at the blue stuffed rabbit on Evan’s bed and goes to empty his bag of its contents. What comes tumbling out is a series of notes and pens, a small unmarked white box, an odd triangular piece of plastic, and a folded board game. He picks up the triangle and board game first, unfolding it to reveal that it was not a board game at all, but a ouija board. Where on earth did this kid get one of those.

    Jared sets the planchette on the board, “I found this at Target and thought that we could talk like this!”

_ WHY WERE THEY SELLING OUIJA BOARDS AT TARGET? _

    “Is there a way I’m supposed to do this, like put my hand on the triangle thing?”

    Thoughts of how Jared acquired this thing aside, Connor decides to test the board. He was easily able to slide the piece without any sort of candles or seance bullshit so he guesses every horror movie involving this stuff is pretty much just a load of horseshit. Jared perks up at seeing the planchette move and minorly celebrates with a joyous clap as Connor spells out a simple hello to start things off. He’s not exactly sure how to go about interacting with Jared alone, this is actually the first time Evan was not here to pass on the messages himself, but what this child had arranged seemed to suffice.

    “Yay! Now we know the thing works, what do you wanna talk about?”

    Connor's face scrunches as he considers his options, he could ask Jared what the small box was for or he could just do with some small talk and ask how he’s been lately, but a certain detail about Jared catches his eye causing all other options to be thrown out the window. Connor’s eyes widen at the observation. He almost feels a little giddy about it as he spells out a simple word on the board.

    E-A-R-S

    It takes a moment for the second grader to spell and process the word in his head, but once he does his eyes light up and he brings both hands behind his ears, “Oh yeah, these! I just got them as a birthday gift! I can’t wait to show them to Evan!”

    In the lobe of Jared’s ears, there was a simple stud of silver embedded reinforced with a screw back. Jared had earrings.  _ Jared had earrings! _ Wait… for his birthday? It was nearly September though.

    B-D-A-Y-6-9

_ Wasn’t your birthday on June ninth? _

    Connor would like for this board to come with a question or exclamation point to better convey his messages, but Jared understands nonetheless, “Yeah, I asked for my birthday but my parents wouldn’t let me. It took a really really really long time but I kept asking and they finally did! Evan said you did that to keep your long hair.”

    Pester the parents until you get what you want, Connor has never felt more proud of a child learning his ways in his life. That is, until Jared goes on to talk about how he always wanted earrings but had always thought he couldn't through some invisible force of being a boy until Connor came by. First Evan on piano and now this, Connor felt as though his thought-to-be long dead heart was gonna fucking burst with joy. He had influenced these kids! He had influenced these kids positively! _ Positively! _ His form begins to warm with a sense of accomplishment and mild embarrassment as he struggles to contain his happiness, even if no one could see him it was still embarrassing.  _ Note to self, ghost can apparently blush. _ Connor learns a new thing about himself everyday. Jared, on the other hand, begins to look troubled.

    “Connor? It's not cold anymore, are you still there?”

    Jolting out of his giddiness, Connor's body seems to naturally cool without him needing to think about it. He was going to give Jared a signal that he was indeed still there but the chill returning had already done that for him. He makes the mental note that apparently, with the right emotions, he could better mask his presence to others.

    “Oh, there you are. Where did you go?”

    Connor had no clue how to explain what had just happened in a simplified format, but, feeling obligated to give the kid an answer, he spells out a single word.

    H-A-P-P-Y

    Jared doesn't seem to know what the message meant, but instead of admitting it, he changes the subject.

    “Hey, Connor. Do you like codes?”

    He wasn't sure how to answer that. He doesn't really care, but they're cool he supposes so he slides the planchette to ‘yes’ on the yes or no prompt. Once again, a question mark would be helpful.

    Jared beams as he claps his hands together. He vocalizes an exuberant ‘good!’ before going to collect the remaining things that had been in his bag. With the box and papers in hand, Jared sets down the notes to open the box. What he pulls out is a desk bell. Connor is thoroughly intrigued when one of the notes are unfolded to reveal a series of lines and dots drawn in crayon.

    “I got a book that was about secret codes and messages. A lot of them were stuff like writing in three letters back or three letters forward, there was a really really hard one I didn't really get called vi- vigen- vije- vigem… whatever! You had to have like a keyword or something for it. Some of them had numbers and there was one for blind people, but this one was used by soldiers!”

    Connor listens to Jared continue to ramble on about the history of codes among a multitude of other ciphers and alternative communication with interest. It was cute seeing kids so passionate about things like this, Connor remembers being obsessed with recognizing different constellations as a kid. The fascination slowly faded, but the effect seemed to have lingered on his sister. At least aesthetically. Suddenly, when Jared realizes he had been getting off topic, he quickly steers back to the bell and notes at hand.

    “Anyway, I wanted to teach you some of them! The letter and number ones might be a little hard with the board, so I thought that this could be an easy one.”

    Pushing aside the Ouija board in favor of the desk bell, Jared begins to ring it in a rhythmic pattern.

_ Di-di-di-di! Di-di! Ding-di-ding-di! Ding-ding-ding! Ding-di! _

    Morse code. Connor had missed some of the letters, but was able to figure out the message from what he got. He responds by using the key laid out for him.

_ Di-di-di-di! Di-di! Di-ding-ding-ding! Di-ding! Di-ding-di! Di! Ding-di-di! _

    Jared, who had taken a pen and paper to jot down the letters, seemed more excited than ever, “Yay you're doing it!”

    They continue to exchange more and more messages to pass the time. Connor and Jared didn't necessarily talk, they mostly just exchanged meaningless words they decided to spell and decode for the other. It was fun for Connor to communicate in such a novel way, even if the constant need to focus in order to touch physical objects were starting to drain him. Luckily, Connor soon hears the Hansens finally come home and Jared quickly abandons everything to sprint out of the room to his best friend. The moment of peace and rest allows a wave of exhaustion to finally overtake Connor. He had been absorbed in the moment enough to fight it off, but the feeling eventually caught up to him. He really hopes Jared and Evan could entertain themselves enough for Connor to truly take his day off from these kids. When the kids come into the room, Connor tells them that he's tired from the physical communication and they leave him alone. Good kids.

    When he's fatigued, his form tends to drift aimlessly and Connor just allows it to. He wasn't sure how long he had been bobbing through the air. When he floats into the living room, the only measurement of time he even registers is that Heidi and Katelyn had been chatting over wine for a long ass time. Through the sliding door behind them, he sees the kids playing tag in the backyard.

    When Jared manages to tackle Evan to the ground, he was in the perfect position for the sun to glint off of his earrings. Connor finds himself smiling.

 

    “Oh Heidi, that odd draft in your house is suddenly gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is a little shorter  
> to clarify, the last chapter was a day after evan's birthday (april) and here its september so we got about a 5 month time difference
> 
> me: okay next chapter is gonna be the zoe chapter im so excited to write it  
> also me: BUT FIRST THIS VERY IMPORTANT EXPOSITION JARED CHAPTER THATS USELESS FOR A VERY LONG TIME BUT WILL BE VERY RELEVANT LATER ON
> 
> ahhhh i just wanna get to the good stuff in my own fic man, hope you guys enjoyed this though


	6. Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shits about to go down

    Evan was eight when he met Zoe.

 

    Heidi had taken Evan (and Connor) to a children's holiday event at the local library. The establishment was littered with various craft tables, puzzles, coloring books, and story time circles. There was even quite a few toy instruments laid out to encourage the more musically inclined kids. Heidi points out a toy piano and Evan skips over to it in joy. He had learned a lot about playing and had gotten pretty good at it the past few months. Heidi was unable afford lessons, but she still did her best by buying instructional books for her son to learn at least a minimal amount of skill for the instrument. Though to Heidi's surprise, Evan had begun to make exceptional progress once he had the books, little did she know that the reason being they greatly assisted his secret instructor in his teachings. The pictures really helped. Furthermore, Connor had been much more cautious with teaching Evan piano after Ben's call on that first day. They didn't need Evan getting recognized and gaining attention for being a child prodigy, he didn't need Evan to be robbed of his childhood like that. When Heidi had returned home that day with Ben eagerly dragging her to see her son play, Connor had been able to convince Evan to play  _ badly _ . To make mistakes. To purposely mess up. Even if Evan did not fully comprehend the consequences of not doing so, he complied. As Evan sat in the living room in front of Ben and Heidi with the keyboard in his lap, Connor had also told Evan to make the mistakes  _ convincing, _ as though he was trying but just wasn't doing well enough. As a result, Evan had been immensely fussy over his actions during the mini performance and served to solidify the excuse of being nervous playing in front of others Connor told Evan to say afterwards. It felt really wrong to essentially teach an eight year old to lie, but given the unusual circumstances, Connor supposes that it's going to be sometimes necessary. Once Evan stuttered his excuse, Ben had been especially heartbroken with himself after the performance, thinking his enthusiasm may have caused Evan to clam up and shut down. Connor felt pretty shitty that the guy was blaming himself for their web of lies, so he sent Evan to give Ben a hug while spouting some shit about how it wasn't his fault at all. It was a particularly shitty way to end the day, but at least Ben was able to go home smiling.

    In the library, Evan plinks out a few notes on the piano before his attention is immediately drawn to a certain story circle. A  _ special _ story circle. This particular group was different in the fact that there was not one adult in the center of it all, but two. One who held the book and read the story, and one who held an acoustic guitar and provided accompaniment. Evan stares from afar, unsure if he should join in the middle of the story, but his mother encourages him and he hesitantly goes to sit in the outer edge of the group. Connor feels the tether between him and Evan begin to strain and naturally floats over to be by his side. He was able to be a certain distance away from Evan without feeling insane pain or being slingshotted back to his anchor or the house, but no matter what he would still feel the constant tug to be by Evan.

    Fake-sitting-because-he’s-a-ghost next to Evan, Connor bemusedly watches him become enthralled with the reading. Evan was more enticed with the guitar than the actual story itself, but Connor couldn't blame him. The song being played was fucking beautiful. Evan closes his eyes and wistfully sways to the slow tune of the song. Connor playfully imitates the behavior and earns a tiny giggle from Evan when the kid opens one eye to peek at what he's doing before going back to enjoying the music. Connor allows himself to do the same. Eyes still closed, he absorbs the enchanting arpeggio pattern dancing on the strings. The guitarist's right hand plucked each note with skillful execution as it was in perfect sync with the left hand shifting to each new chord. He almost feels a warm sense of nostalgia from the melody, he had never heard this song or this story but it felt familiar nonetheless. It felt nice. The tempo begins to pick up and Connor could practically feel Evan smile next to him as the guitarist begins to sing-

    Connor's eyes snap open. No. It couldn't be.

    Looking to the source of the voice across the sea of children, he saw your typical preppy, happy-go-lucky white girl who plays guitar in jeans and a twisted half up hairstyle singing a generic children's song. To anyone else, this would just be the most common, stereotypical teenage girl on the planet who would be of no interest as a character whatsoever. In fact, from a distance, Connor would have glanced at her too fast and write her off as such without even recognizing who she was.  _ He wants to not recognize who she was. _ He almost even fools himself in pretending he didn't know her. But, even without the singing and the fact that he most certainly recognizes this person, he sees stars scribbled on the rolled up cuffs of the girl's jeans and reality crushes back on top of him. The girl he was seeing was Zoe Murphy. His little sister.

    Evan gives Connor a worried look as nearby kids around him begin to shudder at the sudden chill. He knows he should think of something pleasant to control the temperature of his form. Especially given that the cold couldn't be blamed the winter snow outside with the story circle being tucked into the far corner of the library, but he just couldn't focus. His mind is too occupied with wondering  _ what the fuck _ Zoe was doing here. There was no reason for her to be in this library. It was winter break. Even if she needed a book there was an albeit smaller library closer to their home. There was no reason for her to be  _ in this specific library. _ There was no reason for her to seemingly be a  _ volunteer _ at this specific library _. _ For a  _ children's event  _ nonetheless. Why would Zoe volunteer for a children's event? ZOE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE KIDS.

    This made absolutely no sense. Connor had pinpointed the Hansen's general place of residence to be in the same town he resided in when he was alive, but far in the outskirts of it whereas his home was located near the center in which the more wealthy families lived. It wouldn't exactly take  _ long _ to go from one area to the other, but definitely  _ longer than what's convenient. _ So, he reiterates, why the fuck is Zoe here.

    As shitty as it was, Connor would have been content with never seeing his family again. It was absolutely and utterly shitty, but it was the truth. He had already accepted that he was never going to see them again without getting Evan involved as an anchor. Unless he somehow moves the whole house to his family, which is pretty unlikely. So, Connor has accepted that he'll just never see his family again and that was perfectly fine by him. Yep, not a single hint of remorse at all. Connor wasn't a complete asshole though. Even if he buries all his sentimental reasonings, there was nothing stopping sheer curiosity. A part of Connor wants to know whether his family cared, wants to see how they were doing, wants to see how he hurt them. Or how he didn't. He doesn't know. It didn't matter if he wanted to see them or not anyway. All that matters was that Evan would be affected. He couldn't ask the kid to just go far beyond his range of travel to just awkwardly stand outside Connor's house so he could eavesdrop on his family. Not to mention, if anyone at all were to notice or question Evan, it would be a one way ticket to either a hit TV show or a mental institution. Kid sees ghosts and is now creepily standing outside the house of a family with a dead son. Yep, totally normal and not gonna stir some interest. Even if he did for whatever reason felt the burning need to see his family, he still couldn't put Evan at risk.

    “Were you thinking?”

    Speaking of Evan, Connor is jolted out of his thoughts by a barely inaudible whisper. He turns to Evan, most of the kids had migrated away to avoid the weird chill at this point so no one else would notice if Evan was talking to himself, but he still stared ahead while pretending to listen to the story. Connor takes a deep breath.

    “Yeah, I was.”

    “Should we move?”

    Connor hates that he's ruining Evan's fun, but he can't take being around his sister any longer. He sighs, “Yeah, we should.”

    And so, Evan quietly stands up and moves away from the crowd. As they walk, Evan gives Connor a look that somehow perfectly conveys  _ was that your sister? _ Even if no would could hear him, Connor simply nods and they continue their trek back to the toy piano Evan had been playing with before, but Heidi stops him.

    “Sweetie, what's wrong? They were still in the middle of the song, you seemed to be enjoying it.”

    Evan avoids eye contact and shakes his head, “N-no I… I just wanted to play piano now. He points in the direction of the instruments to emphasize his point.

    The lie had rolled off of his tongue so easily. Connor feels a pang of guilt that lying has become second nature to this kid. Heidi seems concerned for a moment but accepts what she had been told and smiles, “Well okay, do you mind if mommy joins? I could shake a tambourine to enhance your music!”

    With this, Evan looks up with a brightened expression and nods. They both saunter over to the music area, it was relatively empty since all the children were still at the story circle. Just as she promised, Heidi picks up a tambourine as Evan readies his fingers on the piano. For once, they were bandage free. Playing piano stopped Evan from biting his fingers now. Soon, Heidi leans over and speaks in a playful stage whisper, “Do we have any requests from the audience?”

    By audience, she means Connor. It was nice how willing Heidi was to indulge the fantasy of an “imaginary friend” for her son. Normally being discreet about the glances he gives Connor, Evan makes a big show of turning to look at him this time and Heidi turns to look in the same direction pretending that she sees something. Connor smiles, it was a strange way of being acknowledged by the both of them like this. He turns to Evan, “Why don't we see your progress on the new French one I've been teaching you.”

    Evan grins and nods, turning to whisper the title of the song to his mother as though it was a secret. Upon hearing it, she excitedly claps her hands once, shaking the tambourine in the process, “Oh I like that one! Alright, ready when you are!”

    She readies her instrument and winks at her son. Evan giggles at the over-the-top display and begins to play the first few notes of  _ Frère Jacques _ . Out of all of them, Connor was the only one who really knew the lyrics, which was still somewhat limited. He wasn't fluent in French, but he knew enough to pass his needed language classes. Heidi and Evan vaguely knew the lyrics at the most minimal level. As in, they sorta knew the the beginning consonants of words at best, and the number of syllables they had at worst. It was fine if they butchered the language though, because Evan managed to play the song nearly perfectly from beginning to end. There was a couple of wrong notes and brief pauses here and there but that doesn't stop the rhythmic tambourine shakes in tune with the beat dissolve into a mess of jingles as Heidi gives a hearty round of applause. Connor applauds as well while Evan blushes at the praise and shyly rubs the back of his head while looking down. Such a modest kid.

    Then, Heidi sets the tambourine down, “Okay! Now for another request from the audience.”

    She shifts to sit in the general area they had established Connor to be as an indicator that she is part of the “audience” now, “Why don't we play one of your originals. The first one that was in your book? I love that one!”

    The first song Connor and Evan played together on that day. Still unfinished with no title, but Heidi truly still loves it nonetheless. Probably because she thought her son wrote it and was already biased, but it still made Connor happy that she appreciates his work. Indirectly but still. Evan beams and nods, he enjoys performing the song as much as Heidi enjoys hearing it. He had practically mastered it at this point, making no mistakes as he plays the melody this time around. It was such easier to become immersed in the music now than the last song, Evan had honed and perfected this one and boy was he showing it. Connor had nearly lost himself in the performance, practically drowning in his sense of pride. But, because the universe hated Connor Murphy apparently, reality came crashing back on top of him for a second time that day. Caused by the same person no less! It had to be some sick joke when Connor catches Zoe out of the corner of his eye walking towards them with a hot pot of an expression shifting on her face.  _ Shit. _

    Zoe's expression somehow contained confusion, sadness, shock, grief, and a teeny bit of anger all at once as she left the dwindling story circle behind her, but none of that mattered as Connor lunges forward and begs Evan to stop playing immediately. The child instantly freezes up, completely going rigid as panic sets in. It was too late though, she had already heard the song. She recognized the tune. She  _ knows. _ Heidi is immediately by Evan's side as Zoe comes even closer. Connor didn't know what to do, he just wanted to avoid this. He wonders if he could possess Zoe and make her go away. Maybe he'll knock over a fucking shelf. Maybe he could just trip her. Anything.  _ Anything. ANYTHING. _

    “Hello.”

    Fuck.

    Zoe's tone was kind yet inauthentic. The fake customer service voice. Of course it was, Zoe doesn't like kids and she wanted answers. She plasters on a smile and continues.

    “That song you were playing was so nice, why did you stop?”

    Evan simply avoids eye contact and awkwardly shifts his weight from foot to foot until Heidi, god bless Heidi, steps in, “Oh Evan's just a bit shy, especially with performing in front of others aside from me…” She giggles, “Or Connor.”

    Fuck.

    If Zoe had not been hooked on this random kid playing an original tune by her dead brother, she certainly is now. Her left eyebrow is raised, “Connor?”

    “Yes, Evan's little imaginary friend.”

    “Is that so?”

    Connor was in full blown panic mode now, he was shaking and blathering a million excuses a minute for Evan to save the situation in anyway possible. Evan feeling the same surge of intensity tugs at his mother to stop talking about Connor claiming embarrassment. She thankfully does but Zoe is not having it.

    “What exactly does Connor look like? I would love to know….”

    Zoe's tone goes from fake customer service to borderline cheerfully obsessive. Heidi deflects all questions, respecting Evan's wishes, so Zoe changes tactics. Everything was moving so fast.

    “Okay, sorry. It's just always so fun to learn about kids’ imaginary friends each one is so different! I got a bit carried away.”

    Bullshit.

    “You know, I absolutely love kids! I could babysit for Evan once in awhile.”

_ Bullshit. _

    “It's wonderful that he's playing piano, I would love to teach him some things. I have a babysitting service on the side for a little extra money, my rates are actually pretty cheap…”

_ Nothing but absolute bullshit. _

    Heidi perks up at the promise of a low price and they begin discussing. No no no this can't happen. Not just for Connor and Evan's sake, but also for Zoe's sanity given that she  _ FUCKING HATES KIDS _ . Even if she wants answers, Connor knows she wouldn't be able to stand being alone with a child for a prolonged amount of time. Why she was volunteering here was beyond him. She must have been desperate for community service hours. He calls upon Evan's assistance once again, having him beg that he likes Ben and doesn't want a new babysitter. Unfortunately, all is deflected by Heidi asking Evan to give Zoe just one chance and if he doesn't like it they'll go back to Ben but Connor can't fucking take that she'll know she'll know and she'll tell and Evan will be whisked away by kooky scientist or an exorcist a ghostbuster will be on his ass and-

    “Okay! Here's my number, let me know if you ever need me to babysit. I'll almost always be free so don't hesitate to call!” Zoe turns to Evan, the same plastic smile plastered on, but Connor could see the underlying irritation when Evan refuses to meet her eyes, “I hope to see you soon!”

    A librarian in the distance calls Zoe over, letting her know that the sing-a-long is supposed to start soon and that she should get going. Heidi pushes Evan to join, probably attempting to butter him up for the potential babysitter gig later on. Evan reluctantly follows behind Zoe to the circle, Connor floating along because he just has to. They sit down while Zoe sits on a stool, having her raised above them. Positioning a guitar in her hands, she gives Evan a wide smile and begins to sing  _ If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands. _

 

    No one does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT IS 11:58 PM ITS STILL SUNDAY MEANING THIS UPDATE IS TECHNICALLY NOT LATE im so sorry you guys but yeah
> 
> me writing the guitar scenes: expert visualization and metaphors when explaining the techniques and play style  
> me writing the piano scenes: what th e fuc
> 
> also the chapters are getting shorter now because i am no longer spending a good amount of paragraphs just explaining connors ghost powers
> 
> EDIT (12/19/17): I FUCKED UP THE TIMELINE EVANS NOT NINE HES STILL EIGHT GOD DAMM IT NORMALLY I WOULD JUST LET STORY INCONSISTENCIES BE BUT THAT WAS A REALLY BIG ONE FUCK


	7. The Babysitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my longest chapter yet, knocking out the previous longest chapter by a landslide its gonna be a wild ride boys strap in  
> ((very minor detail: i messed up in the last chapter saying evan was nine when he met zoe, this is not true he's actually still eight))
> 
> warnings:  
> -minor dissasociation  
> -death of a family member  
> -very vague mentions of suicide

    Fuck.

 

    Today.

    They had managed to survive two weeks without needing a babysitter now, but today was the day.

    The day where Heidi will call upon a babysitter and it won’t be Benjamin Miller.

 

    She had given no warning about it, knowing Evan would make a fuss if she had done so. When Heidi had opened the door to reveal  _ her _ standing there, Evan nearly cried right then and there while Connor resisted the urge to just shut the door on her. Connor can see that Evan understands what it meant if people know about his “imaginary friend” now, he was reaching the age where some adults are beginning to question him. It was only downhill from here, but Evan knows this is worst. From the very beginning, the near nine year old understood that Connor was  _ dead. _ Meaning there was a point in time where he was  _ alive _ . Alive and walking around talking to others just as Evan was right now. Meaning one day, Evan would possibly meet a person who knew Connor. Evan was a smart kid, he understood all of this a long time ago. What he didn’t understand was how to handle that scenario. Hell, Connor didn’t even know either. And yet here they were, face to face with Zoe Murphy in the doorway. The situation didn’t fucking end there though oh no. Like a rotten cherry on top of the chocolate shit sundae, Zoe Murphy just happens to not like kids. And yet here she was, babysitting the kid with connections to her dead brother.

    Now, much like how one would be surprised by Connor’s favorite color being green instead of black, people are always dumbfounded when they find out that it is actually the older Murphy sibling who is good with kids while the other can barely hold a baby without dropping it. Every family reunion, their relatives would do a once over the both of them before directing their young offspring to Zoe only for her to immediately pass it off to Connor in disgust. It wasn’t really Zoe’s fault though, her personality just doesn’t mesh well with a child’s antics. She didn’t have the same witty imagination to deal with kids like Connor did. If a child threw a tantrum over something stupid, she would just yell and beg for the kid to stop and act mature (which, surprise, doesn’t work because kids are in fact, not mature) while Connor had the ability to turn it around and actually convince the kid to be on his side or confuse them enough to listen to him anyway. Zoe was very easily irritated by kids to the point where she would just walk out while Connor will definitely get annoyed, but is too amused by their silly antics or too empathetic if they’re crying to really blow up. It was also a matter of just whether or not kids even liked Zoe, Connor’s sarcastic and apathetic nature was seen as comical, her sensible and levelheaded nature was seen as bitchy. He would play along with whatever made up game they were playing, she would tell them to brush their teeth and go to bed. He doesn’t expect children to immediately comply and is patient, she isn’t. Though, despite having a natural ability for them, Connor still wasn’t fond of kids due to them reminding them of better times with her sister, so he avoids them. It was probably the same for Zoe too. Not to mention she was also a very efficient take-no-shit person, being single handedly the reason why the jazz band at school performs so well at every concert. The way she functions was very akin to a cold hearted business woman, if someone was not a serviceable gear working to keep the whole operation going, they would be fired and replaced. A child’s constant need for defyance and attention was too much for her. You can’t fire children for being children though. Or family for that matter. It was probably why she and Connor fought so much, he was a broken cog in her machine and she couldn’t remove him from it.

    And now, here she was. Awkwardly standing there with that fake plastic smile while Heidi tried to comfort Evan. Connor knew this was going to be hell for everyone involved. Soon, after an eternity of Heidi’s soothing reassurances and Connor relaying the battle plan in between them, Heidi is cut off by her phone indicating that she needs to get to work and begins to leave. She gives Zoe the whole speech she gave Ben the first day before she does. Number on fridge. Brown book in kitchen. Katelyn Kleinman’s number if needed. Evan being a shy kid and may not always verbally answer. The need to be patient with him. Connor saw the way Zoe’s pleasant and cheerful facade twitch for just a millisecond on that last two. It was going to be a long day.

    With a heartfelt final goodbye, Heidi leaves and Zoe shuts the door for her, locking it as well. She turns to see Evan a few feet away from her and goes to move closer. He steps backwards, keeping the distance. With that, Zoe stops in her tracks, unsure of how to approach now. Her face becomes tense, but upon realizing her own expression, she shakes her head and the saccharine smile was back. If Connor was gonna give her props for anything with kids, it would be faking that she likes them at the very least.

    “Hello, Evan. You remember me, right?”

    Just like in the library, that stupid fake customer service voice was back and no response was given as Evan stares at the ground. Zoe stood towering above him, literally looking down on him for an uncomfortable amount of time before taking a deep breath to calm herself and speaks again, “So… is there anything you would like to do?”

    Another prolong pause with Evan nervously nibbling his fingernails go by until he abruptly darts to retreat into his room, but Zoe rushes to react and grabs him by the arm while shouting, “WAIT NO.”

    In her grip, Evan violently responds by wildly flailing as an instinctual response to danger with a panicked expression. Zoe instantly let’s go, absolutely horrified that she may have hurt the kid and Evan gains the opportunity to escape. Connor unconscously bobs a bit towards the direction Evan went but stops himself to observe Zoe. Her jubilant mask has been completely torn off now, her demeanor seeming to be on the verge of tears instead. Sure she didn’t like kids, but she didn’t hate them. Okay no, she very much did indeed hated them, but she didn’t  _ hate hate _ them. She wasn’t a goddamn monster for christ’s sake. She just wanted answers, not the hurt the damn kid. Connor flies off once Zoe curls in on herself, muttering how absurd this entire situation was. The two siblings never really got along while he was alive, but for once, Connor agrees with her.

    Phasing through the wall, Connor finds Evan in a similar position, curled up and nearly on the verge of tears. He holds himself back from immediately rushing to Evan's side, instead opting the gently float towards him to avoid startling him. He ghost-sits on Evan's right side and patiently waits. The chill had alerted the child that he was there, Connor knows that Evan acknowledged him with how he slightly turns his head towards the ghost's general direction. He still kept his head in his arms and knees pulled close to his chest though, so Connor gives him more time. Evan's breathing was nice and even and his arm didn't seemed to be bruised in anyway. He didn't need immediate attention or care right now, so Connor waits. He had gotten much better at reading what kids need depending on their mood during his time here.

    After about probably five minutes or so, Evan finally emerges from his cocoon and stares straight ahead. Connor allows another beat of silence to pass before he leans forward a bit and speaks in a hushed tone, careful to not disturb the calm.

    “You good?”

    Evan continues to stare fixedly at a single point on the wall, but nods.

    “You're not hurt or anything? No need to call Super Nurse Mom, the best superhero mom that is also a nurse in the galaxy?”

    Connor keeps his voice calm, but laces a little bit of playfulness into the super mom part to test the severity of the mood. When Evan softly giggles a bit at the small joke, relief fills Connor as he knows he's in the clear.

    “Yeah you're right,  _ that is _ silly for me to say. Everyone knows that you never need to call Super Nurse Mom. She has special radio receptors in her brain that let's her know whenever her sidekick needs her. This is nothing you can't handle though, she knows you're tough as nails!”

    Connor allows his voice to raise just a tad over the hushed volume he had before in order to more properly pick up the goofy announcer narrator tone while he pokes at Evan's side. Even if Connor's fingers are intangible, the random touches of cold still suffice in tickling him. They were both giggling now as Evan is futilely swatting at Connors form to get him to stop while he continues to poke and make faces paired with the most nonsensical voices to show that he was some sort of evil monster that Super Nurse Mom's sidekick had to now defeat. Evan is still struggling through a fit of laughter as he says, “Didn't your mom tell you that your face is gonna get stuck if you do that?”

    Connor over dramatically gasps and speaks in an overly dramatic supervillain voice, “Oh noooo! I never did listen when she scolded me for making faces like that!” He takes on a silly expression and speaks the next line while pretending it was frozen on his face, making the already goofy tone sound even more ridiculous now that he was restricting his jaw movements, “Alas, you have slain me by being a good kid who listens to his mother. You truly are a tough cookie.”

    He lightheartedly jabs Evan's nose on “tough cookie” before melodramatically launching himself backwards through the air and onto the ground where he pretends to lie dead. Or… you know, ghost-dead. Evan is laughing even harder now and Connor rising vertically back on his feet while cheerfully exclaiming “Aaaaaaaaand I'm back!” did not douse the energy one bit. The tense air from before had been completely dispelled now as Evan grabs up a toy lightsaber from his toy chest begins a thrilling monologue on how he will defeat Connor yet again. Then, just as quickly as it was dispersed, the tense air flows back in as Zoe pops her head in the doorway. Right, she was still here.

   Connor tenses up and Evan drops the lightsaber as though he had been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. Zoe seems to have a moral dilemma for a moment before she awkwardly shuffles through the door, but she doesn't close it or make any movement to come any closer, careful to keep her distance this time.

    “H-hi…”

    Evan doesn't meet her eyes, but he gives the smallest wave as his way of saying hello back. It wasn't exactly better, but Zoe still counted it as a small victory. It didn't serve to give her any confidence in her next line though.

    “Were you… were you playing a game just now?”

    Still not making eye contact, Evan gives a small nod.

    “O-oh… Okay….”

    This was awkward. So incredibly awkward. Connor could tell that Zoe wants to apologize for before, but he could also feel her brain racking a million miles per minute from overhearing Evan talk to himself. Without her mask, Connor could read her like an open book. Every bit of guilt and confusion was projected on her face as she struggles to make the right decision on how to not fuck up everything again. Boy was that relatable.

    “Are you thinking right now?”

    Suddenly, to the shock of both Connor and Zoe, Evan abruptly breaks the silence. For a moment, Connor believes that Evan had spoken to him and was about to chastise him for doing that right in front of Zoe, but he turns to find Evan staring straight ahead at her. He had directed the question to her.

    Zoe was reasonably taken aback. She stuttered out a perplexed “what?” as Connor dumbfoundedly glances between them. In one of those glances, he and Evan make eye contact for a millisecond before redirecting their attention back to Zoe.

    “You looked like you were thinking about something. Are you okay?”

    Zoe nearly scoffs, “I… I should be asking you that….”

    After a beat, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. Eyes open. She continues, “I'm sorry for grabbing you earlier. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just sorta reacted. I know that doesn't- that's not an excuse- I just- I didn't-”

    Another inhale. Exhale.

    “I'm sorry. For hurting you. Are you okay?”

    A pause.

    “....Yes.”

    Evan's voice was extremely quiet, but he accompanied his answer with a nod to clearly indicate his response. Zoe sighs in relief and looks to the side to carefully craft her next course of action. It wasn't long before she spoke up again.

    “Did you draw that lovely picture on the fridge? Its wonderful!”

    The mask was coming back on again along with the faux tone of cheeriness. She seemed to be much more cautious about overstepping boundaries now though. Evan retreats back to nonverbal answers as he only nods this time.

    “I thought so! Can I ask who the other person in the drawing is? One is very clearly you, you're such a talented artist for me to see that, but I don't know who the other one is.”

    A look of panic crosses Evan's face for a moment before Connor relays a lie for him to tell.

    “Say that that's Benjamin Miller.”

    “That's my babysitter.”

    Zoe leans back and pretends to examine the drawing from her position by the door, with such a small house, she actually was able to see the kitchen from here. She turns back, trying to make a big show of it to convey that she was winding up for some humor, but all her movements are clunky and clumsy making her come off as just plain awkward.

    “That's funny, I don't think black is really my color…”

    It was a joke, but Zoe's delivery was stale and left no one laughing. Connor will give her a point for trying he suppose. Evan was just staring with a neutral expression while Zoe stares back expectantly.

    “Um… no, I mean my other babysitter. His name is Ben and he likes to paint his nails black.”

    Zoe slowly nods, clearly dissatisfied with the response. A beat goes by before she goes for another attack.

    “So, you play piano?”

    Evan nods.

    “That's great! You played so well back in the library, but I don't think I've ever heard the song you were playing before…. it was so lovely, what was it?”

    There was an absurdly long pause hanging between them while Connor comes up with what to tell Evan. He comes up with an idea rather far-fetched, but it was believable enough to get them off the hook. Evan relays the lie.

    “I heard someone playing it before a really long time ago. In the music store near my house, I saw a person playing and forgot the paper with all the notes on it. He kinda looked like my babysitter. Not you, Ben. I… I thought the song was pretty and wanted to learn it so I took the paper. That was… that was sort of stealing though so maybe I shouldn't have.”

     Connor examines Zoe as she seems to process this information, seeming skeptical about the story, but finding no evidence to necessarily disprove it. His sister knew Connor would leave the house for long periods of time but there was no way to pinpoint what he was actually doing. His whole family just assumes he gets high. But, the more Zoe seems to think about it, the more inclined she is to believe that her brother would do something as strange as driving a long distance just to play one of his original songs in a tiny ass music store for a little kid to hear and steal. Sure. Might as well. Although, Zoe wasn't entirely convinced just yet. She was still on the fence about buying all the excuses for these strange coincidences relating to Connor and still had some questions left in her. She seems to mentally survey her options again and decides to stop beating around the bush.

    “Your mom said that your imaginary friend's name was Connor, right?”

    Evan waits for Connor to tell him what to say. He considers refuting the question, but Heidi had already told her and it was written in the brown book too. He let's Evan know that there was no use denying something Zoe already knew as fact,so Evan nods.

    “Any particular reason you chose that name?”

    A shake of the head, “N-no… I just thought it sounded nice.”

    Zoe hums, “You know, my mom had the same thinking process when she named my brother Connor too, she was originally gonna name him Dennis.”

    Connor jumps in, “Quick, act surprise. You're not supposed to know she has a brother.”

    Evan raises his eyebrows to fake the emotion, “You have a brother?”

    “Ha ha yeah I um…. had. I had a brother. He's uh… gone now.”

    Connor is almost caught off guard when grief crosses her face. It quickly leaves though as she moves on.

    “B-but that doesn't matter right now, uh you're just a kid you don't need to hear that. It's a sad story so we're not gonna talk about that.”

    “O-okay.”

    There was another beat of silence. Connor tells Evan to try to steer the conversation topic away from him.

    “U-um… the strings on your necklace are messed up.”

    “Huh? Wha- Oh!”

    Zoe looks down to see the jewelry Evan had been referring to. It was a golden double necklace that splits off into two parts by two large charms towards the bottom. In those two sections, the chain was studded with silver stars of various sizes at various lengths to create an odd, uneven half circle/triangle-ish shape. Zoe laughs.

    “Oh no, it's not messed up. The necklace is supposed to be like that. Do you know what a zodiac sign is?”

    When Evan shakes his head no, Zoe begins to pull out her phone.

    “Um here, it's a constellation thing based on when you were born. I was born on January 5th so that makes me a Capricorn which… looks like… this!”

    She walks over from the doorway to Evan and crouches down to hold out her phone for him to see an image of the Capricorn constellation. He examines the shape between the picture and the necklace to confirm that they indeed match.

    “Cool,” he says after a bit.

    A beat.

    “Wait, your birthday is January 5th? Th-that’s coming up soon.”

    Connor knows the real reason Evan had asked that question and he knows that the conversation will steer back to him, but it was good that Evan covered up his curiosity under the guise of the time of year being close to the date. Although, Zoe begins to look troubled at the innocent question.

    “Oh yeah. I guess it is, I didn't- I didn't realize it was gonna be so soon I…”

    Zoe's hand goes to wipe her eye.

    “Oh gee. Oh I…. I'm sorry. I didn't want to talk about the sad stuff… a-about my brother b-but….”

    She sniffles.

    “I-I’m sorry. My brother and I sha-  _ used to _ share the same birthday. Not like t-the same  _ day _ like twins or something. It was weird, he was born first a-and then I was born exactly one year later on the exact same day.”

    Zoe sniffles again as she wipes her other eye. She gives a sorrowful laugh, her voice breaking.

    “E-everyone always thought we were twins at our birthday parties… our parents even joked that w-we were ‘delayed twins’ or whatever, saying I kicked Connor out of the womb first because I c-couldn't stand him…. I just-”

    She is cut off by her own sob, tears freely falling now. Her speech being constantly interrupted by sharp breath intakes and choked hiccups reducing it to a shaky mess. Connor had never seen this side of Zoe before. Zoe was never one to cry. It didn't fit with her cool personality. Crying meant she couldn't function properly in her leadership role. He and Evan have individually cried more than her and that was only counting the times they've done it in public. Which was a lot. In fact, Evan himself was nearly bawling right now as she continued.

    “T-this year…. I-is gonna be the f-first birthday where I'm not g-gonna celebrate w-with- with him. I-I-I k-know we haven't b-been getting along the last f-few years of his l-life and he s-sometimes didn't even come h-home for the party b-but… h-he was still a-alive and o-our names on the c-cake were together- we- w-we were together- but now i-instead of Zo-Zoe and Connor written u-under the candles… i-it's just going to s-say Z-zoe a-and o-only Zoe and I-I’m g-going to turn e-eighteen w-withou- I… I'm going t-to  _ outlive _ m-my b-brother and- and I-”

    She hastily stands back up, “I-I’m sorry. You're just a- you don't need to- I just- I'll be back.”

    With that, she scampers out the room, clumsily stumbling towards the bathroom. Evan had dissolved into a silent sobbing mess while Connor felt completely detached, still processing everything Zoe had just said. There was nothing but numbness throughout his body and a fuzziness permeating through his form to give the illusion that he was  _ literally _ dissolving. He could no longer focus on anything. Dissociating. He knew he was dissociating but he couldn't fucking snap himself out of it. Everything was beginning to just look like shapes, every noise was beginning to just sound like an echo. He couldn't fucking stop himself as the only thing he could register was how his ghost tears seemed to disappear before hitting the ground after leaving his face. Were those his tears? Were they actually disappearing? All he could see were blue bubbles slowly fading away. All he could hear was a repeated voice. They were saying the same word. The word made him think of corn. Corn was yellow but he likes green. Wait, what did green look like again? What was corn? Did he like corn? No no, it was corner, but was it a room corner or a paper corner? A corner could be many things actually. What was-

    “Connor!”

    Connor is suddenly lurched back into reality. In front of him was Evan, some residue of tears still on his face. Connor blinks once. Twice. He looks around. His name is Connor Murphy. He was in Evan's room. Zoe was no longer in the restroom. Not much time had seemed to pass. He looks back to Evan.

    “I'm okay, thanks for uh… snapping me out of that.”

    Evan nods, a nonverbal “no problem” of the sorts. He takes a moment before speaking again.

    “I uh… I wanna watch a movie with Zoe to help her feel better but- oh wait, you said she doesn't really like kids right? Maybe she can watch by herself then I don't know but uh… what kind of movies does she like?”

    Connor thinks for a moment. The fact that his mind is drawing up blanks suddenly felt painfully gut wrenching. A knife of guilt was stabbed into his stomach when he realizes that they had been so distant the past few years before his death that he couldn't even fucking name a recent movie his own sister likes. Zoe just had a heartbreaking sob show over their birthdays and how she misses him and Connor couldn't even name one movie she likes. She shouldn't be crying for him, he shouldn't mean anything to her. He disheartenedly tells Evan that the only films he could think of were old Disney films they would watch together as kids so those may be a bad idea at the moment. Evan was just gonna have to fucking wing it.

    He nods and asks Connor if he was okay with watching the movie together if Zoe decides she wants the company. Connor wasn't sure if he could handle that right now, but instead of declining altogether, he tells Evan to let him rest and he'll see how he feels later.

    Evan grins and gives one last nod with a mock salute and Connor returns it before Evan goes off to find Zoe. He was a really good kid.

    Connor stays hovering in the center of the small room, allowing the waves of emotions overtake him, and for the first time since he died, he felt an overwhelming sense of regret for doing what he had done.

 

★★★

 

    In the end, Connor had ended up joining them halfway through the movie. They all sat in comfortable silence on the couch, Evan in the middle, Zoe to his right, and Connor to his left. No one spoke for the entire duration the movie played, a fact that Zoe had been tremendously grateful for. Once the first one ended, they ended up watching another. It was just hours of everyone lazily staring towards the screen doing nothing, the most bit of movement being Zoe going to get themselves food. She even took the time to make hot chocolate for her and Evan, it was a nice way to recover from such a horrendous start to the day. Everyone needed this. They weren't good, but they were at the very least happy with coexisting with each other now. It was good.

    As the end credits of the second movie plays, Zoe receives a text from Heidi. Zoe takes a deep breath after reading the message and turns to Evan while placing the phone back into her pocket.

    “Hey, Evan?”

    He tears his gaze away from the TV to give her his full attention.

    “Your mom is going to be home soon and I'll leave. I'm not going to come back as your babysitter anytime soon, you can probably tell I'm not good with kids…” She chuckles a bit as though it was a joke, “But just… I don't know, don't tell your mom about that whole thing…. with my brother and all. Just say that you liked your other babysitter, Ben was it? Just say you like him better and I'll give some excuse about not knowing how to deal with shy kids. Its technically not a lie, so your good. I'll leave and you'll probably never run into me again in public so it'll be  _ au revoir _ after today. You don't have to worry about me anymore.”

    Connor looks over at her from his end of the couch, he was pretty surprise that Zoe had given up her pursuit so easily like that. She was usually such a determined girl, letting nothing get in the way of what she wants. Then again, this situation called for caring for a child and Zoe wasn't aiming for child neglect and abuse to be put on her resume any time soon. Their parents are most certainly not getting grandkids at this rate. Evan is still staring at Zoe, but now he had his signature sign of confusion, the slight head tilt to the right.

    “What does aw weh-var mean?”

    Zoe's expression lightens a little, “ _ Au revoir, _ its French for goodbye. I took the classes my freshman and sophomore year and our teacher had us say it at the end of every class.”

    She seems to reminisce for a moment before continuing, “Would you like to hear a story about my brother? I promise it's not sad and I won't cry or anything.”

    Evan nods, “Okay.”

    Zoe takes a deep breath, “ Alright so my brother, Connor, took French in his sophomore and junior year. With me being a year behind, that meant we had the same classes. At the end of every class, Connor would never say  _ ‘au revoir’. _ The teacher actually nearly fought him on some occasions over it,” she snorts at the memory and even Connor does at well, “Instead, he would always say  _ ‘salut’ _ . He was so consistent about it too, almost always saying ‘ _ salut’ _ at the end of class. I think he was just trying to make the teacher mad, because  _ salut _ ment hello.”

    “I thought  _ bonjour _ meant hello.”

    Zoe hums, “Yes, it does! There's just more than one way to say it.”

    “Oh okay.”

    She hums again in contentment, going to sink back into the couch again before having her eyes land on the empty bowls and mugs. She stands back up.

    “Aw shi- I mean shoot. I should clean these so that your mom doesn't have to do them later, just stay there okay?”

    Evan's gaze follows her as she gathers the dishes and scurries off to the kitchen and says, “Okay!”

    Connor watches as she leaves as well. Once the running water of the sink could be heard, he leans over to Evan, “She's wrong by the way.”

    “Huh?”

    “About the French,  _ salut _ actually means both hello  _ and _ goodbye. She was also wrong about why I didn't want to say  _ au revoir _ too.”

    “Oh,” Evan swiftly glances over to see Zoe completely distracted with washing before whispering, “Why didn't you?”

    Connor scoffs, “ _ Au revoir  _ doesn't just mean goodbye. It means, ‘goodbye until we meet again’ and I didn't like anyone in my French class so I didn't  _ want _ to see any of them again. Everyone was kind if a jerk to me back then so I went home, and looked up a whole bunch of ways to say goodbye in French. A lot of them had some variation of ‘see you later’ like  _ au revoir _ and one was only said when you know you're never gonna see the person again. Like they're gonna die or something. Which I considered but the whole final goodbye thing was gonna lose its charm if I said it after every class without anyone actually dying.”

    Evan giggles, “That's terrible!”

    “Yeah, I was a terrible person. Still kinda am actually, but you're just too cute for me to mess with like that.”

    Some more cold jab tickles are delivered, gently this time to avoid Evan bursting into full blown laughter. Connor backs off on the teasing when Zoe comes back with slightly damp hands and a pink sticky note. She reaches over the couch from behind and sticks the note onto Evan's forehead. He pulls it off and stares at the numbers written on it in confusion before turning to look at Zoe. She giggles at Evan's attempt to twist his head all the way around before giving up to simply turn his whole body towards her before explaining herself.

    “I'm probably never going to come back as a babysitter, but if you ever need anything just call okay? This is… this is probably more for when you get older, you're very very shy and I don't know if that's gonna persists when you're like… my age but…. just call if you ever feel sad okay? Like super sad. People aren't gonna always be nice, especially when you get older. Even if you don't understand right now they will get so much meaner, so just remember me okay? I… I don't know, I feel like something like this could've helped my brother and…. it's fine, just keep that number safe.”

    Connor was at a lost for words, he never realized how much his sister cared. He was so sure that she saw him as nothing but a monster who terrorized her for a majority of her life, but this day had revealed a number of new facets to Zoe he had never seen before. Maybe the past nearly year of grief changed her. Maybe this was just how she acted when he wasn't around. Whatever the reason, it didn't matter. All that matters is that what he's seeing is the truth and he knows this. Eventually, Evan goes to tuck the sticky note into the green notebook they had been using for piano practice and goes to give Zoe a hug when he comes back. Zoe is surprised and unsure what to do for the first few moments but she soon returns the hug and Connor can't help but smile watching them. Then, slowly, he too goes over and wraps his intangible arms around the both of them the best he could. Neither Zoe or Evan shivers at the touch. This was good, they were happy.

 

★★★

 

    Later, Zoe actually refuses Heidi's payment at the door. Heidi was practically begging her to take the money but she continues to turn down the offer. Heidi would not budge on her stance so in order for Zoe to escape, she hurriedly rushes through the door while saying  _ au revoir  _ to Evan. Then she says it to Heidi.

    But then, she says it a third time to seemingly no one, directing the phrase towards the general space of the entire house altogether and shuts the door without another word.

    Then the house was silent. It takes Connor a moment, but he soon reacts by phasing through the front door and sees his sister by her car with the door half open, taking one last look at the house. He raises his hand and gives a small wave.

  
_ “Au revoir.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaaaand title drop, roll credits  
> i love deh! my favorite character is *looks at smudged writing on hand* corner murphy  
> not sure if you guys noticed, but this chapter is riddled with parallels of zoe and other scenes/characters so have fun picking those apart
> 
> updated early because i was too impatient!!  
> also, added zoe to the tags now because she plays a bigger role than i initially anticipated now
> 
> i live for reading the comments in the last chapter but i want to make it very clear: IT IS NOT MY INTENTION TO DEMONIZE ZOE  
> zoe does not like kids, but this does not make her a bad person, her obsessive behavior in the last chapter was due to her internally freaking out over the situation and the "underlying irritation" when evan didnt met her eyes was due to her realizing that getting the information she wants without coming off as crazy was going to be difficult with such a shy kid  
> i hope this clarified some things, thanks for reading!
> 
> EDIT: CHANGE OF PLANS I JUST WATCHED THIS VIDEO THIS IS THE DIRECTION IM TAKING THIS FIC NOW  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPVC-WhCoHs  
> (jk)


	8. The Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vague self harm/suicide implication

    Today was January fifth.

 

    Connor had expected Evan to make a big deal out of his birthday, but what he hadn't anticipated was Evan asking for a phone to call Zoe. The two had not interacted at all, or even mentioned Zoe's name in the Hansen household, since the babysitting episode from weeks ago. However, that didn't stop Evan from remembering Zoe's lament on spending her eighteenth birthday as an only child, so the kid did what he did best. Being a really fucking good kid.

    Seriously, if Connor didn't know any better, he would have been convinced that Evan Hansen was a god sent angel from above. That child was too fucking good. He never gives his mother a hard time, he is always kind and respectful to adults and other kids alike, he always gives Jared the last cookie to which Jared will make Evan take it because he  _ always _ gives him the last cookie and wants Evan to take it for once then they'll fight over it until they come to the compromise of simply splitting it in half. Everything that kid did was purely out of the kindness of his heart and today was absolutely no exception. Evan came up to his mom, a drawing in hand, hesitantly asking if he could call Zoe. He had woken up early to have time with his mother around to use the phone, but had spent hours prior wondering if he should contact Zoe at all. She had given Evan her number for an emotional emergency, specifically a far-into-the-future emotional emergency, but an emotional emergency for Zoe counts too right? At least, that's the reassurance Connor had given Evan that morning during his moral dilemma. It had taken a bit, but Connor was able to finally convince Evan to follow through with his idea.

    And so, now Heidi is listening to Evan ramble on about why he needed the phone.

    “...and during the movie, she talked about having an older brother who died and- and they shared the same birthday, which is today, so now she's gonna be alone and was sad about it so I wanna help her feel better today so is it okay if i use the phone really fast to tell her happy birthday and-”

    Heidi gently pats the top of Evan's head to silence the ramblings and agrees to let him use the phone. The version of the story Evan had told was heavily cut down and edited from the truth, but it was enough. Once the phone is dialed and placed in his hands, Evan plops down onto the kitchen floor with the cell pressed to his ear while Connor ghost-sits onto a stool by the counter. He watches Heidi scurry around to complete her morning routine before she has to go to work as Evan is still listening to the ringing in the phone.

    On the third ring, Connor sees Evan perk up as a click could be heard on the other end. He stands up and begins to pace around as he speaks in rapid fire.

    “H-hi Zoe! I know you said to call when I'm older and sad but I wanted to tell you happy birthday because I know you were gonna be sad today and I drew you a picture with your brother but I didn't know what he looked like so he's just a black blob and….”

    Connor grins. While Jared was a ball of excited hyperactive energy, Evan was his own form of active energy in the sense that he was always moving in some way. As Evan paces, he also moves his hands in sync with his high speed words per second speech giving him an amazingly animated display while he talks. The kid seemed to be the human embodiment of entropy, energy that's always increasing. It was the only thing he remembered from biology aside from the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

    Connor catches bits and pieces of whatever Zoe was saying on the other end. He could definitely recognize a good amount of embarrassing tidbits and stories about him and groans. Evan gives him a mischievous grin before going back to talking into the receiver. After a few more moments of conversation, the call ends and Evan shifts to take a picture of the drawing to send. Once the picture was sent, Zoe replies with an actual somewhat embarrassing picture of Connor causing Evan to give him another shit eating grin. Connor takes it back this kid is not a fucking saint.

    With the Zoe birthday call done and the phone passed back to Heidi as she leaves, the boys go off into the kid's bedroom for Evan to do whatever he had planned for Connor's birthday. Connor had already told Evan that ghost birthdays don't count so he did not have to do anything for him but that wasn't stopping this kid

    In the room, Evan goes to tape the drawing of Zoe and Shadow-Connor onto the side of his bookshelf before pulling out two handmade paper party hats. Evan straps one onto his head, but Connor knows the other one isn't meant for him. Ghost shit and all that. No, the second hat Evan made was for Benjamin Miller. With Heidi gone, of course Ben was going to show up today. After that rough first day, they had become well more adjusted to the babysitter to the point where Evan even enjoyed his company. With the whole Zoe debacle, they haven't seen Ben in a long time, so Evan was excited to see him again.

    And then, as if on cue, the doorbell rings and Evan shoots up to go answer it. His fingers twists the lock and door knob then the door flies open. Almost instantaneously, Ben comes charging in to scoop Evan up in a hug, the latter giggling as he's swung around in the air.

    “Hey champ, long time no see! How are you? How's the piano? How's my imaginary twin? Ah, it's so good to see you!”

    After one final twirl, Ben sets Evan back down who rides out a last fit of laughter before answering, “Um…. good, good, good, and… good to see you too!”

    Ben grins, “Good!”

    The two break out into laughter again and Connor finds himself joining them as well. Ben takes a moment to shut the door before going back to Evan, “So, champ, what's with the hat? D’you make it yourself?”

    “Yep, it's Connor's birthday today!”

    Just when Connor thought Ben's grin couldn't get any wider, it does.

    “Really? That's incredible, because my birthday just so happens to be nine days away! Connor  _ really is _ my imaginary twin.”

    Wonder overtakes Evan as well as Connor who is just shocked by how similar he and Ben really are, the only difference being that Ben didn't need to die in order to be rid of depression and anger issues. Shaking out of his amazement, Evan reaches to strap the second party hat onto Ben's head, “Then its your birthday party too, good thing I made a hat for you!”

    With Ben out of reach, he kneels down and bows his head as though he is being knighted to allow Evan to secure the paper hat. Connor almost feels a strange sense of discomfort tug in his chest from watching them. He doesn't know why.

    He is broken out of his fixation on the odd feeling by Evan suddenly taking note that Ben's nails were now bare.

    “Hm? Oh yeah, I didn't get the chance to paint them again.”

    Evan grabs the hand to examine the nails more closely, “It looks weird when your nails are empty….”

    Ben is about to say something in return, but he is cut off by Evan abruptly gasping and rushing off into a room. Although, instead of his own room, Evan rushes into his mother's. Both Connor and Ben were confused as they awkwardly waited in silence, the only thing spoken being Ben shivering and muttering about the house being cold. Connor scoots away from him a bit.

    Finally, Evan comes back with a small tray full of tiny bottles and presents it to Ben. Upon closer inspection, he and Connor could see that the tiny bottles were various colors of nail polish, all covered in a thin layer of dust.

    “Th-these are my mom's but she doesn't use them anymore because she's so busy now so its okay if we use them and,” Evan pulls out a bottle from the tray, “here's a black one for you!”

    Ben takes the black polish from Evan and examines it, “Yeah, these will be good! There's some blues in here too, would you like me to paint your nails as well?”

    Evan practically lights up as though he was the sun as he nods. Ben leads them to sit on the couch as Connor trails behind and sets the tray in between them. Ben was still holding the black polish but allowed Evan to pick and have his nails painted first. Surveying the various blues in the small collection, he decides on a dark cobalt blue from the mix. Connor watches from the sidelines as Ben takes the bottle and brushes the color onto Evan's nails. With each newly painted finger, Connor feels that familiar aching in his chest again. Evan was laughing and having fun with a man that looks and acts just like him except he hasn't fucked up his life. Ben was still alive and well and doing something with his life by taking care of children. The pain continues to grow as Connor thinks about how Ben was probably going to college, probably had a family who cares about him, probably wasn't mentally fucked up like he was.

    At least, that's what Connor thought until Ben rolls up his sleeves to reveal the faint white lines on his arms as he paints. Suddenly, he was able to pinpoint the feeling in his chest. It was envy.

    Connor was envious that Ben was still alive.

    He was envious that Ben had been able to overcome whatever mental state he had been in to make it this far. To turn twenty-three in nine days. To still be here. He could've been like Ben. He would have continued to live and mend his relationships and babysit kids and learn to live his life in a nondestructive way, but he didn't. He gave up while Ben continued on. And so he watches. He watches Ben carefully paint the last of Evan’s nails while he wears that silly party hat. He watches as Ben continues to laugh, breathe, touch, eat, walk, sleep, dream, learn, and  _ live. _ He watches this fucking mirror image of him somehow succeed in being a functional human being in life while he’s a fucking ghost because offing himself just wasn’t enough to get him out of this bullshit.

    Fuck this.

    Zoe made him feel regret and now Ben was making him feel envy over his mistake.

    A mistake, that’s what it is now. Not an escape, not a last resort, not a thing he just did because he felt like it. A mistake.

 

    Today is Connor's birthday, but ghost birthdays don't count.

 

    He disappears into the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter this time around
> 
> i update early ONE time and now everything is fucked up  
> i'll try to get back to sunday updates because i know i am not gonna keep this up when school starts again, with this being a short chapter i was hoping to get this up early but nope
> 
> but yeah ben's birthday is the same as michael lee brown and all that


	9. The Messages

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter but i promise its pure 100% fluff this time around

    Evan and Heidi had gone out to a nearby Easter hunt being held at the park. Even though the Christian half of their Jewish family had left long ago, a day off and free candy in colorful plastic eggs was enough for them. This was one of those mother-son bonding activities that Connor decided to stay out of, so he waves goodbye to Evan carrying a pastel pink wicker basket on his way out. Evan gives a grin and a ghost-high-five (since they can't ghost-hug) before taking Heidi's hand leading him to the car.

    The door shuts and the click of the lock could be heard.

    Then Connor was alone.

    For like twenty minutes.

    There was a knock at the door. Connor had ignored it at first, but it continued mercilessly. Having enough, Connor phased through the door to see who was on the other side to find none other than Jared with a bike and a backpack. As far as Connor knew, the Kleinmans were full Jewish and didn't celebrate Easter at all, even the nonreligious activities. Their house was only a few blocks away so maybe Jared came by to play with Evan without realizing he went to the egg hunt. Except he was alone, his mother or any other adult was nowhere to be seen. That was concerning.

    “Connor! There you are, can you open the door please? I know Evan and his mom left, I need to talk to you alone! Unlock the door!”

    Jared had tossed the bike he had in his hands to dramatically throw them up as he said this. Connor was still surveying the area for a parent or guardian but found none meaning Jared had biked here on his own. Presumably without permission. Now, a responsible person would have called Katelyn Kleinman with the number in the brown book and walked that kid home, but he was dead so none of that was going to happen. He unlocks the door.

    Upon hearing the click, Jared reaches for the knob and let's himself in. He makes a beeline for the living room table and pulls out the Ouija board they use to communicate. Connor shuts the front door himself as Jared hurriedly sets up.

    “Oh you didn't need to close the door! Eh whatever just don't lock it, I'll be gone super fast anyway! My parents don't even know that I'm here so I gotta get home quick!”

    Connor was really confused by Jared's words as he hovers by the door. Jared continues to look around, seemingly getting annoyed that he could not feel the natural chill the ghost gave off.

    “C’mon! Get over here, this is a secret mission that we gotta do fast!”

    Connor sighs and makes his way over to an impatient child banging on the table. He immediately stops when Connor passes through his and grins at seeing the planchette move. The board had some new markings added to it now throughout their talks in the past. Now to more easily convey the tone in messages, exclamation and question marks were scribbled on the sides in sharpie along with a smiley and frowny face. He spells out his question.

    Y-R-U-H-E-R-E-?

_ Why are you here? _

    A pause for Jared to process goes by, “I'm here to talk to you, obviously!”

    H-O-W-K-N-O-W-I-H-E-R-E-?

_ How did you know I was here? _

    “Oh, that's easy! I knew Evan was gonna go to the Easter thing today, he told me! So I asked if you were gonna go because I know you sometimes don't go to things with him and his mom and he said no so I knew you would be here by yourself!”

    Connor slides the planchette over to the letter ‘Y’.

    “Because I know you're either with Evan or the house so-”

    He wildly glides the plastic piece to cut Jared off with the erratic movements before spelling ‘N-O-Y-T-A-L-K-?’.

_ No, why do you want to talk? _

    “Oh! Well duh I knew that…. Anyway, I wanted to ask what Evan wants for his birthday!”

    Connor gives Jared a puzzling look. To express this, he wiggles the planchette already set on the question mark.

    “Well, the blue bunny I got him last year was good, but I wanna do better this year! Especially since a random mom's regifted keyboard was better. Evan keeps saying mine was the best but that's because I have best friend advantage, I wanna win this year fair and square!”

    Connor smirks.  _ Is that why you're using a totally unfair tactic by talking to a ghost?  _ he thought. Though, instead of voicing the thought, he slides the piece over to ‘K’ and thinks for a bit about what Evan would want.

    Music was definitely an interest, but Evan had also started to take a liking in reading. There were quite a few ideas swirling in his head now, some more pricey than others, but he had to think within Jared's range. Soon, a gift comes to him. A gift related to something both Evan and Heidi had discussed a bit about for a while. Jared obviously couldn't buy a whole collection at once, nor would they need one, but it's a good start. He spells out the idea for Jared, who seems quizzical at first but is swiftly cleared of it once Connor gives his reasoning.

    Jared lights up as they begin discussing what kind they should get and how they should go about wrapping. It wasn't until ten minutes later when Jared realizes his “quick mission” had not been quick at all and that his parents were most likely worried now. He gathers all his things and rushes out the door with a thank you before speeding off on his bike back home. Connor watches him for a bit to make sure he was safe and shuts the door with a twist of the lock.

    Once that episode was done, he sighs and begins to aimlessly drift. No matter how good he was getting at the whole physical objects manipulation thing, it still tired the shit out of him. He stares off into space until Evan returns home. He lets him rest. What a good fucking kid.

 

★★★

 

    On the day of Evan's birthday, Connor sees Jared burst through the doors, eagerly holding an oddly shaped present. The gift was wrapped in blue paper, the bottom seeming solid while the top was loosely draped on creating a sort of misshapen cylinder. Connor grins at the gift and Jared winks in the general direction of the cold draft. Heidi, being in the living room, takes note of Jared and asks where his mother was. He tells her that she was on the way and Heidi leaves it at that, the kid was here and safe with her so it was fine. Jared closes the door as Heidi sends Katelyn a quick text.

    The Hansens were still setting up the party, but Evan was still excited to see him. He excitedly charges towards Jared but halts in his tracks when Jared raises an open palm at him as a sign to stop.

    He walks over and gingerly places the present in Evan's hands, letting him know that the gift was fragile and needs to be opened right now. With curiosity peaked, Evan glances at Connor who encourages him to open it. He goes over to the living room table and gently unwraps the paper while an equally curious Heidi stops blowing up balloons to watch over the couch. There was no box, only paper, and Jared was especially watchful of Evan handling the loosely wrapped section. Pulling off the paper as delicately as he could, Evan saw green and gasps. He looks up at Jared, then at Connor, both having a hilariously identical smug smile on their faces. Cautiously, but hastily, pulling off the rest of the wrapping paper, Evan gapes at the gift in front of him as Heidi is stunned in amazement.

    The silent pause started to generate a nervous energy in Jared. Connor could feel him start to squirm as he begins to hesitantly ask if Evan liked the gift only to be cut off by an embrace and being lifted by said child’s monstrous strength as he jumped up and down while chanting, “I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT….”

    Heidi, finishing tying a balloon, makes her way around the couch over to the celebration, “Jared, how did you know we were thinking of starting a windowsill garden?!”

    Jared grins, holding his head high the best he could in Evan's vice grip and plays it cool, the smugness had definitely returned, “I'm a good listener.”

    Evan sets Jared back down and gives him a knowing look. He glances over to Connor over Jared's shoulder as well, who gives a playful smile and a shrug, before going back to fully examine the gift. It was a small bamboo plant in a red ceramic pot. The tops of the shoots were covered with a special bit of wax that prevented the bamboo from growing like crazy, but it still had free flowing leaves on the side that Evan was definitely going to need to maintain.

    “What should we name it?”

    “You're going to name it?”

    Evan picks up the plant and holds it close to his chest, “of course we're going to name it, Jared! Its part of the family now, we have to name it.”

    “Are you going to name  _ all  _ the plants in your garden?”

    “Yes.”

    Connor snorts at how serious Evan's tone was. Soon, Heidi breaks her face of concentration and pitches the first idea.

    “How about Lucky?”

    Evan and Jared turn to face her in unison and repeats, “Lucky?”

    “Yes! A bamboo plant represents good luck, and it's even in a red pot! Red is the color of luck in southeast Asian cultures, which are basically a bamboo’s home.”

    A unified “ooooooooooh” resounds throughout the room until Evan breaks it with, “I like it, Lucky it is!”

    Everyone is smiling and Heidi steps out to take a call, from Katelyn Kleinman no less, while Evan goes to set Lucky onto his windowsill with Jared and Connor follow close behind. Today was going to be a good day.

 

★★★

 

    Hours later, with the sun absent from the sky and Evan tucked into bed, Connor gets the kid's attention with a hushed voice before he fully drifts away.

    “Evan, I want to tell you something while it's still your birthday.”

    The only response was Evan giving a lazy thumbs up to show that he was listening. He had really tired himself out today.

    “Okay, I know you're tired, but I just wanted to say that I sorta have a gift for you too today.”

    Evan's eyes sluggishly widen, he was interested.

    “Well, it's  _ sort of _ a gift. I can't buy or make anything for you, but you've been getting better at reading lately so I was thinking you should get a library card and I'll ‘give’ you a book to read. There's not a lot I can do, but I used to read a lot so I can at least give you that.”

    Now, with the haze of sleepiness becoming less thick, Evan sits up and looks at him funny, “But you're already giving me piano lessons, silly. I know that costs a lot so you don't need to give me a gift.”

    “Pffft, piano lessons are only expensive because it's people's jobs and they teach a lot of people. I don't need a job and I'm only teaching you so it doesn't count. Besides, the lessons are all the time. The books can be a special thing, pretend like I bought it for you as a present. Obviously, you would have to return it to the library but it's okay to pretend.”

    Evan quietly giggles, “I like pretend.”

    Connor jabs his side, “I know you do, kiddo.”

    “Oh but… then it would be unfair because I can't get you anything. How do I get ghost-gifts?”

    “Ghost birthdays don't count.”

    Evan pouts.

    “Okay okay, you can still make things for me to look at. I love looking at the drawing you did of me and Zoe, and the one of us on the fridge. You don't have to get me a new ghost-phone or anything like that, you don't even have any ghost-money!”

    Evan's pouty facade was broken by a laugh, “There's ghost-money?”

    “No, but even if there was there's no ghost-store. Really, I would love to shop for a new ghost-hoodie. Gotta keep up with the latest ghost-fashion!”

    Connor strikes a dramatic pose while continuing to complain about the nonexistent ghost-economy earning a number of laughs from Evan trying to keep his volume down to avoid alerting his mom. Once Connor finishes his faux economic-complaints-slash-fashion-runway, he settles back down to softly giggle with Evan.

    “But seriously, you don't need to get me anything, Ev.”

    Evan stops his laughing to cross his arms and take a serious tone, “Well then the same goes for you too.”

    “Woah, you got me. A tough  _ and _ smart cookie, that's what you are. Alright then, let's agree to get each other gifts in the form of drawings and book recommendations for our birthdays.”

    Evan nods and holds out his little finger, “Pinky promise?”

    Connor hooks his semi transparent digit, “Pinky promise. Now go to sleep, ask your mom about that card tomorrow.”

    Evan gives a mock salute before going to lay back down onto his bed. With that, Connor goes to aimlessly drift in his sort-of-half-conscious-state-that’s-the-closest-thing-to-sleeping-he-can-get-as-a-ghost haze before stopping to look at the bamboo plant again.

    The boys had made a little handmade name tag to say “Lucky” in blue marker taped to the pot. He was happy that he had been able to help Jared with finding the gift. Even happier with how much Evan loved it. The plant is softly illuminated by the moonlight, the little gold bands bounding the shoots together especially glimmering. Connor looks to the star filled sky past Lucky's leaves, marveling at the constellations. After a few minutes of searching, he finds three bright stars nearly perfectly lined up. He recognizes it as Orion's belt. Today had been a good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the bamboo plant named lucky is absolutely a reference to BBCotaku's Trying Through the Trauma fic i love it so much
> 
> taking a bit of a break from the angst, the next chapter is gonna be pure fluff too but then its all downhill from there :)


	10. The Bicycle Ride

    Evan and Jared had dressed light for the summer heat. Connor watches them pack their backpacks with snacks and frozen water bottles for the trip and headed to the door to put on their shoes. They were at Jared’s house right now, whose mother on occasion would leave him home alone for long periods of time. It was rare though, with Katelyn being only a few blocks away from the house to really deter warranting a babysitter. She would rent several movies for her son with a lunch prepared in advanced, maybe even invite Evan over to keep the boy entertained. She had done all of that today as well, but instead of being couch potatoes watching  _ Pixar _ movies, the boys were stuffing their lunches into their bags and getting ready to mount their bikes.

    In an effort to make the last of their summer vacation, Evan and Jared had decided to go on an adventure. The plan was simple, ride their bikes in one direction for as long as they could then ride back in time for dinner. Their parents didn’t know about this plan, which should be concerning to Connor as the one “responsible” for these kids, but he saw nothing wrong with the boys experiencing the world and knew their overprotective parents would put a stop to this. Besides, even if he’s dead he’s still technically chaperoning them, so it's not entirely irresponsible.

    The boys were readying their bikes and safety gear on the front porch now, with Connor reminding Jared to lock the door. It was early in the morning, giving them about six and a half hours for their journey. They had decided to ride for three, including time to stop and explore if they wanted, eat lunch in between, then ride back with the remaining three hours while only stopping for breaks. It was a loose and flexible outline, but it worked. Once they were ready to go, Jared checks the functional toy compass he got for his birthday and they head north.

 

★★★

 

    Connor was enjoying the change of scenery. Evan doesn’t get to go to many new places, so their routine has become monotonous. They had passed by several stores on their adventure, none of them quite catching their eye. Jared had brought a bit of pocket money from his allowance in case they wanted to buy anything. Evan didn’t have such a system at home, but Jared was more than happy to share the money. They rode for about another hour. They were sweaty and sore, but were not showing any sign of stopping. Connor couldn’t understand how kids had so much energy.

     Surprisingly, the kids do stop. Very abruptly he might add. Connor nearly zooms right past them until he is slingshotted back to Evan. He saw the kids staring at the area in awe when he had practically barrelled back over to them. Once Connor gathers his bearings, he drinks in the surroundings as well. They were in front of a small cluster of stores, crammed together with a somewhat weathered down aesthetic. The sidewalk and many of the tiny buildings had art painted on them. Not exactly graffiti art, more modern pop art that gave the district a more idiosyncratic feel. It was clearly a very old shopping district, one of those things that was probably around since the town was founded or something. The stores were small and cramped, the benches antique and chipped, and there were weeds and flowers growing out of every crack in the colorful sidewalk. It was wonderful, this was exactly the type of place a little kid on a little whimsical adventure would go to.

    The boys hurriedly park and lock their bikes onto a nearby streetlamp. Stuffing their safety gear into their bags, they pulled out their now half melted water bottles and took a large swig before setting out to explore. Connor follows behind as Evan and Jared make a beeline towards a quaint dirt patch of painted river rocks with a sign above them saying, “Free! (Please take only one or leave your own!)”

    Connor knows these types of rocks. They're meant to have a positive or inspirational message with some pretty drawings on them and left in random places for others to find and make their day. His family had all actually made some together as a sort of bullshit “bonding exercise”. Everyone else's rocks said something nice, but the decorations looked like shit.

    Zoe had written, “The pig flies! Do the impossible now,” and drew a crappy pig with wings that looks more like someone blindfolded drew a dead Kirby going to heaven. His mother did “reach for the stars” and drew the basic five-point stars without even coloring them in while his father did something with baseball but his bat looked more like a dick (pointed out by Connor himself only to be chastised while still getting a snicker out of Zoe). Connor, being the only artist in the family, drew an amazing set of detailed eyes that looked almost life like and had impressed his family with how beautiful they were.

    But they were bloodshot.

    And he had written “stoned” on the other side.

    Needless to say, when they had gone out to distribute the rocks his wasn't one of them. Whatever, the world just wasn't ready for his art.

    Back to the kids, Jared had pulled aside a couple of his favorite rocks to choose from while Evan sifted through the pile as a whole. Connor floats over Jared’s shoulder to examine the choices. After a moment, he nudges one and Jared gets the message. He picks up the one Connor selected and shows Evan while kicking the other rocks back into the pile. Meanwhile, Evan picks up his own rock before revealing it to his friend.

    Evan’s rock was spray painted white all around and had “au revoir” written in a scribbly font with a sort of pocket knife drawn above the words. It seemed to be a reference to some sort of band. What band exactly Connor didn’t know, but he appreciated that Evan had chosen a rock with that particular phrase. It made him smile. On the other hand, Jared’s rock was a soft blue with triangle peaks and the phrase “I was once a mountain”. Very philosophical, definitely a reflection of Jared’s personality. All the other rocks he had previously laid out were of a similar caliber as well.

    With the decision on their first souvenirs done, they pocket their rocks and head to one of the small stores. The first store they go into is a flower shop. Every nook and corner of the tiny area had pots with leaves, vines, flowers, and foliage occupying the space while the only light sources illuminating the store were warm yellow tinted lamps and lanterns. With the wooden interior and the giant fake flowers added to the interior’s atmosphere, the store looks exactly like some sort of fantasy herb shop in a video game. Or maybe that’s just Connor's old Xbox habit talking.

    Well, video games or not, Evan and Jared seem to be thoroughly enjoying themselves. They had immediately gone off into the store as though it was a jungle and they were the explorers in search of hidden treasure. Connor briefly reminds them to lay low and be respectful under the guise that they would get caught by _the_ _dragon_ (store clerk) and be thrown out of its den.

    “The dragon is blind, but it can sense whether you're a good or bad person. Bad people have no right to be in a dragon's home, so you guys better be good. Right now the dragon is sleeping, the nicest thing to do is to be quiet and let it sleep. Got it?”

    In unison, they whisper, “Got it,” and give a mock salute before continuing their hunt.

    Thank god Connor was blessed with such good kids.

    He follows behind them as they “search for treasure”, but it's clear that their true intention was to find a friend for Lucky. Scanning the various options of small potted plants, Connor points out the ones easiest to take care of. He didn't know much about plants though, mostly just pointing out cacti and succulents. Those were easy to take care of right? Was a spider plant okay too? Pothos? Whatever that weird looking one that sticks straight up is called? Ah, who knows.

    Suddenly, he's pulled out of his thoughts by Evan presenting a tiny white pot with three-pointed green leaves and faint white edges sprouting from the short spindly vines protruding from the dirt, most likely awaiting approval.

    “Oh I think that's English Ivy. I'm not entirely sure, but I think they grow really big though…”

    Evan had a hopeful face, but it fell at the revelation, “Oh, it gets big? Then maybe we shouldn't get it.”

    “Ah, well not really big, more long I guess. As long as you trim the leaves like Lucky it should be fine, other than that they're easy to take care of. There's nothing wrong with letting the vines grow a bit long too, it could look cool climbing down from the window. As long as you're willing to change the pot and all that.”

    “Of course!”

    Jared taps on Evan's shoulder, “So uh what's the update on the ghost talk.”

    “Oh right, sorry. He said that they grow long but as long as I cut it like Lucky's leaves then we can get it.”

    “Nice, it looks cool so I'm glad we can get it. I can't wait to name it!”

    With that, Jared pays the dragon for the Ivy plant and they go explore the store next door. This store was a cluttered bookstore, giving off the same type of whimsical fantasy adventure feel like the last. Novels filled the shelves and stacked on top of one another to create rather dangerous towers of books. It was a bit intimidating, one wrong move and the whole place could come crashing down. They didn't spend as much time here, the only thing of note is Jared buying a book about the history of the loch ness monster before continuing to explore the area.

 

★★★

 

    Another hour had passed, so to keep on schedule, the kids sat down on a nearby bench to eat their lunch. Sandwiches scarfed down and mostly melted frozen water bottles nearly empty, everyone starts the journey back home.

    Jared had stuffed his book in his backpack, but Evan had cautiously placed the English Ivy (now named Ben) in his bicycle basket. They planned on letting Jared hold onto Ben while keeping them out of sight until he gets the chance to bike over and deliver the plant to Evan when neither of their parents aren't home. If Heidi were to question the plant’s sudden appearance, they know she wouldn't talk to Mrs. Kleinman about it so simply saying Jared gave it to him would suffice and technically isn't a lie.

    They took a lot more breaks this time around, their initial vitality clearly drained. Connor does his best to encourage and entertain the two during their breaks along the way. They were tired, but keeping their spirits high were necessary to get them home safely. It was an arduous excursion this time now, but they make it.

    Getting back to Jared's house results in the kids collapsing on the couch. After allowing a moments rest, Connor then urges them to put away their bikes and bags away before they continue to catch their breath. Evan and Jared begrudgingly do so but they understood the need to remove the evidence of their joy ride.

    With everything put away and Ben temporarily placed on Jared's windowsill, they put on the movies Katelyn rented and sunk back into their seats.

    It didn't take long for them to fall asleep during the movie. It's harder for Connor to move less solid objects, but he does his best to tug a nearby blanket over the kids. They're tired, exhausted, sore, and drained, but they had fun.

    It had been a good day.

 

    Connor hopes they have a lot more good days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update  
> this is one of those "seems like a filler episode but will become relevant later on" chapter and those are always a bit harder for me to write
> 
> evan's rock is a front bottoms reference and connor and jareds were threadbanger references  
> also, this entire set up of a bike adventure is a very loose allusion to another book but im not gonna reveal that just yet ;)


	11. The Bullying

    Evan was eleven when the bullying started.

 

    Connor sat alone in Evan's room, lost in his thoughts. The bullying was not a new thing, the teasing persistently happened in passing for the past two years, but eleven seemed to be the age where everyone unanimously decide to become full frontal antagonists to anyone different. These years were the stepping stones to deciding the high school social hierarchy later on, and, with the recent treatment he had been receiving, Evan was fixing to be at the very bottom of that ladder. A section of the ladder where the rungs are broken and out of reach to prevent him from climbing back up.

    Evan will spend the rest of his school years just like him.

    Evan will be tormented for the rest of his school years  _ because _ of him.

    Connor curls in on himself. He tries not to follow Evan to school as much anymore. His anxious nature was already a subject of teasing, they didn't need more people to catch onto his imaginary friend. As a result, days have gotten more lonely for the both of them, but it was for the best. Even if the bullying for Connor's presence was already prevalent, minimalizing public interactions was the best he could do to remedy the damage he had done.

    He definitely fucked up. He has certainly made mistakes. Sometimes, Connor even feels as though he already failed his personal promise of giving Evan a better life than he had, but at times when Evan would return home in tears, Connor would be there for him. His general existence as a ghost was a double edge blade, but having a friend was more important than anything else. Someone like that might even have saved him while he was alive, but it was never good to dwell on the past. Connor just wishes that Evan at least talked to him more about the details of what’s happening at school. Evan may not have outright told Connor that people were picking on him, but Connor wasn’t dumb. He figured it out pretty easily. Though, he understands the kid's need for secrecy. Hell, Connor would be a fucking hypocrite if he didn't. So instead, he'll offer to stay home out of courtesy. He'll offer jokes and sarcasm to take his mind off things. He would be there as Evan's friend, which was already more than he had in his lifetime. That had to count as a small victory, right?

    He'll be a friend, and that'll hopefully be enough.

    He launches himself off the floor and does a summersault in the air. His days alone usually consists of only this, floating and sitting around doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes he'll use his ghost abilities to turn on the TV and watch that but, ironically enough, that was too much effort. The amount of exertion just to change the channel to half-heartedly watch a dumb show was not worth it. Plus, he didn't want to waste electricity like that, Heidi did enough work to pay the bills as is.

    His flip allows him to catch a glimpse of the growing windowsill garden. Ben (in a larger pot) was now strung up in a simple, handmade macrame hanger, hanging from the top of the window frame on a hook to allow the vines more room to grow downwards. The stool Evan used as a child to simply reach the window was now used to more easily water the elevated plant. Next to Lucky (also in a larger pot) on the sill, sat a huge geometric glass terrarium filled with spider fern and watermelon peperomia (named Anne and Belle respectively) with the painted rock from the bicycle adventure nestled inside. On the other end of the sill, a baby blue spritz bottle used to water the vegetation was placed, pushed against the window glass to avoid accidentally knocking it over. The most recent addition to the whole collection was the start of a garden of flowers within a hanging window box residing on the other side of the glass. The box was currently somewhat barren, with only a few garden verbena and petunias (Max and Alice) planted in the soil, but more was sure to come soon.

    Connor loves the mini garden set up. The whole light plant aesthetic was never really his thing, but it was nice to see Evan take so much pride in taking care of them. The plants gave him a reason to get out of bed, even if he didn't want to. They motivated Evan by providing him a point of interest he has to maintain everyday, but requires less attention than an animal so the responsibility wasn't overwhelming. They gave Evan a sense of routine that he couldn't put off, and that was important.

    Contrary to his father's beliefs, Connor was actually quite observant. Especially to his own actions. He recognizes his own depressive habits that dug him deeper and deeper into his grave. His slow descent of dropping hobbies and interests in favor of weed and sleeping for hours were the wood, his parents and sister's constant nagging of his actions yet lack of nagging of his inability to perform mundane tasks were the nails and hinges, and finally, him giving up piano for good was the final nail in the coffin.

    Watering some plants was an incredibly easy chore, but it couldn't be neglected like Connor's countless pieces of unfinished art and books. It was important to Connor that Evan kept up the habit. He wanted to prevent that downward spiral he went through from happening to Evan. He may not be able to control the bullies at school or what they say or the chemical changes of growing up or the building signs of anxiety every day but he can at the very least control this.

    He can give Evan a small reminder to water the plants and he will. That simple.

    Connor can't steer the car down a different path it wishes to take or change the weather it happens to go through, but he can check the engine and fill it with gas so that it doesn't break down. He will make sure Evan does not break down, this was the promise he made to himself.

    This was the best he could do.

 

    Evan came home from school a little bit later, displaying clear signs of crying only moments ago. But when he tells Connor that he didn't want to talk about it, he softly reminds Evan to water the plants.

 

    This was the best he could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for not updating for like a month and come back with a short chapter, dont worry another will be up either today or tomorrow
> 
> so why has this update taken so long? well, a couple of reasons:  
> 1) if this was a musical, ch1-10 would be act 1, this is the intermission, and everything onward would be act 2 so basically i took some time prepping for that and stuff  
> 2) school (yikes)  
> 3) i have a little note sheet with all my plans for this fic and i FUCKING LOST IT (i found it now though)
> 
> thanks for sticking around


	12. The Diagnosis

    Evan was twelve when he was diagnosed with severe social anxiety disorder.

 

    Today, Heidi had taken Evan to a psychiatric doctor as a product of her collective worries for her son in the past few years. Evan had no friends other than Jared, he was being bullied at school, he was experiencing frequent panic attacks, he couldn’t communicate properly with others, and, most importantly, he still had his imaginary friend. Heidi may be absent for a majority of her son’s life nowadays, but she knew there was a myriad of problems going on with Evan and expected him to return from his appointment with a myriad of new labels stapled onto him. So, being prepared for the worst, she was pleasantly surprised to have Evan come out with only a simple social anxiety disorder. Thankfully, a prominent reason for Evan not being diagnosed with any sort of hallucinatory mental illnesses was due to the help of said “hallucination” in the first place.

    Connor knew that this day would come, the day when everyone thinks Evan is crazy, so he meticulously prepared. The responses he crafted direct to a conclusion of extreme loneliness, makes it known that Evan is not actually “seeing things” and is aware of his “unusual behavior”, that this “imaginary friend” was a coping mechanism, not disorder. He relayed these answers to Evan as he accompanied the small boy to his appointment to avoid any possible slip ups and help keep Evan at ease. Evan has a terrible fear that his anxious nature may accidentally reveal something, so knowing Connor would tell him the exact words he needed was calming in itself. He was like some sort of chip in someone’s brain that tells them what to do. Or… something. Even though Connor rarely follows Evan to school anymore, he will on some of Evan’s more anxious days to support him in these ways. Evan even learned morse code from Jared so that he could more discreetly talk to Connor during class (or Jared for that matter, they’ve cheated on a lot of multiple choice tests at this point).

    And so, they made it through the evaluation with no problems. Evan is now officially diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, ironically abbreviated to SAD, and will begin regular therapy sessions in about two weeks which Connor is actually quite grateful for. There are limits to how much he can help someone or what he can prevent, so he he has accepted that there will be times that he will come up short. At that point, someone else will carry them the rest of the way. It's a somewhat bittersweet acceptance, but an acceptance nonetheless. The bitterness comes from a selfish part of him still clinging to the notion that he alone should be Evan’s sole provider of mental stability. The part that wants to give his ghost-existence meaning and an explanation to why he was tethered to a random child in the first place, but a bigger part recognizes that knowing what’s best, even if that won’t be him, is what will truly accomplish his goal.

    It was weird, being in control like this. Had he been alive, the anger would have gotten the best of him by now and that was that. Here, he was free of that unbridled emotion. Ghost perks.

    Both Heidi and Connor were thrilled about the diagnosis, Evan was somewhat neutral about it, but he was terrified by how everyone else would take the news. He had always been bullied for being a shy kid, the promise of easy prey that wouldn't fight back was too tantalizing for middle schoolers. But now, he wasn't just  _ the shy kid _ . He was  _ the kid with an anxiety disorder _ . He had a disorder, meaning he was officially weird. Like, he had always been labelled as weird, but now he's  _ scientifically weird. _ Connor saw that Evan had no problem with actually having an anxiety disorder, but he clearly didn't want to wear the title proudly anytime soon.

    Connor didn't know what was wrong with his head while he was alive, and he never will. He will never have the problem of struggling to tell others about his mental illness like Evan. He felt a bit sad about it.

    He shook it off, focusing on dowsing Evan's fears with reassurances. Its wasn't like he was gonna announce his mental problems through a megaphone anytime soon. In fact, said mental problems would prevent him from doing so in the first place. Evan had calmed down enough to respond positively to the light jabs, so Connor knew he was doing alright.

 

    Yeah, he was doing alright.

 

★★★

 

    Evan spent lunch alone today at school. Well, aside from Connor.

    Connor didn't follow Evan to school as frequently anymore, but this was certainly a new development. He and Evan always spent their school lunches with Jared, so being downgraded to a duo this time around was definitely strange.

    Evan, on the other hand, was not dazed by Jared's absence. In fact, when questioned, he revealed that Jared had made some new friends this year in his robotics class and has been sitting with them more often at lunch. The fact was even punctuated by Evan pointing out Jared sitting with a group in people across the cafeteria. Connor was absolutely shocked by the sight.

    It wouldn’t be surprising that Jared would have other friends besides Evan, it was bound to happen eventually, but it was so hard to envision them apart from one another. The two were always attached at the hip. Connor thought that was still the case. Especially now more than ever with Jared coming over more often at home, but with this newfound information, the visits may only be making up for not being with Evan at school. Well, at least Jared was balancing his time with Evan and his friends.

    Connor just wished the sight of Evan sitting alone at the lunch table wasn’t so reminiscent.

 

★★★

 

    Evan laid on his bed reading  _ Catcher in the Rye, _ his birthday book for this year. He had already finished his homework and had spent the last two hours rereading the same three pages since the information just wouldn’t stick. Connor watches as Evan sighs and finally gives up, setting the book aside to roll over and lay on his stomach. Jared didn’t come over today, so now he was bored.

    This has been happening more often lately, along with Evan becoming less motivated to do small tasks. That childhood vitality slowly disappearing. It was terrifying.

    At times like this, Connor would try suggesting going to the park since Evan has taken a real liking to nature walks lately, painting landscapes with watercolor was relaxing to him, but it was raining right now. Rainy days would call for piano practice, but the four year old toy keyboard now had two broken keys and no batteries and they currently couldn’t afford a preferably  _ not _ toy one. So now Evan will just suffer.

    Connor floats down to be seated next to Evan laid faced down on the bed, his head now turned to the side to stare longingly at the sketchbook on his desk. The art habit that started as a childhood hobby was now being pushed as a therapy assignment, so Evan had been drawing much more now. He mostly drew plants and landscapes, which is a stark contrast to Connor’s abstract surrealism, but he had already grown tired of sketching the same plants in his room.

    Suddenly, Connor watches realization light up Evan’s face as he gets up, not bothered by the cold chill from passing right through the ghost on the edge of his bed, and waters the plants, lightly spritzing a small barrel cactus dubbed “Connor Junior”. Meanwhile, Connor Senior revels in how he didn’t need to remind Evan to water the plants today. He also just enjoys watching Evan water the plants. Evan only looks completely calm doing two things, painting and watering his plants. It was nice.

    When he finishes, he sets the squirt bottle back down and looks at his sketchbook again. Contemplatively instead of longingly this time. After a moment, he glances at Connor then back to the sketchbook and makes his way to it. Picking it up, he flips it open as he spins the desk chair around to face Connor and sits down. Finally, he props the book onto his knees and pulls a blue colored pencil from a cup on his desk, looking up to utter a single phrase to Connor before glancing back down.

    “Stay still.”

    Unfortunately, upon realizing what he was about to do, Connor breaks into a wide, toothy smile. Evan casually glances back up only to do a dramatic double take to fully experience the rare sight. Connor smiled a lot more in his time with Evan, but never like this.

    “Okay nevermind,  _ now _ stay still.”

    The command makes Connor giggle, but Evan doesn’t comment on it as he continues to sketch with a grin on his face. By the end of the session, Connor’s jaw hurts from smiling but the drawing turned out fantastic.

 

    They had a good time, and that’s what’s important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you see, i can end things on a happy note


	13. The Cafeteria

_ “I don't think I've ever heard him talk.” _

_ “He always looks like he's about to cry.” _

_ “Does he have any friends?” _

_ “I heard he talks to himself or something.” _

_ “Why does it always feel so cold around him?” _

_ “Is he like... okay?” _

_ “Didn't that Kleinman kid used to hang out with him?” _

_ “I never really even noticed him.” _

_ “He's kind of a loser, isn't he?” _

 

★★★

 

__ The comments Connor catches about Evan weren't as bad as what he faced. Not only that, they were more infrequent. Connor’s stream of negativity was constant. He turned heads wherever he went, a six foot tall long haired stoner in black was hard to miss after all. No matter where he went he stuck out. But Evan, on the other hand, blended in. he melded into the gaps of the crowd until he was nothing more than a solid body to bump into, but people still talked. They talked when he sat alone at lunch, get called on in class, or is forced to do a presentation. When attention is drawn to something that clearly doesn’t want to be seen, even more attention will be drawn to it. A streisand effect so to say. So when Evan’s anxious nature is forced into the spotlight, people will see. And people will talk.

    At least Evan didn't seem too bothered by it. He would just keep his head down and out of trouble, it was more if people  _ directly _ interacted with him that sent him spiraling. Connor is able to guide Evan through those interactions well enough, but Connor isn't with Evan everyday at school anymore. Connor worries about Evan a lot at home.

    For now though, Connor focuses on Evan slowly nibbling a turkey sandwich. He ate slowly, out of fear of appearing embarrassingly messy or a slob. Connor let's the habit be.

    They sat alone at the lunch table again, this was routine now. Jared sits on the other end of the cafeteria and was gradually starting to visit less and less. School was getting tougher with more homework in projects, so it wasn't on Jared that neither couldn't come over as often. Even so, the kids had phones now, even if Evan's was a cheap slide up, so they still kept in touch that way. Though, unsurprisingly the small bit of texting still left Evan missing his best friend.

    Connor had suggested before that Evan could just hang out with Jared and his new friends at school, but the thought of interacting with new people terrified Evan and Jared was worried about his friend feeling alienated from their technology-nerd talk. Jared's group seemed to move in a pack as well. No one from that clique was ever seen without at least one other person from that same clique, so Jared coming to Evan without giving the guy a panic attack was a no-go either.

    It was around the point where Evan was halfway done with his sandwich when a paper ball connected to the back of his head. Connor furiously whips his head towards the direction of the projectile to find a group of kids in Evan's class a couple feet away, snickering. He zips over and knocks over a nearly full carton of milk, effectively cutting off their joy as they hurriedly go to clean up the milk. One of them had their homework on the table so now it was soaked and ruined.  _ Serves them right, _ Connor thought.

    As he leaves the chaos behind him to get back to Evan, he saw said child had unrolled the paper ball and was reading the message on it. With his eyebrows scrunched together and lower lip quivering. A now reasonably concerned Connor picks up his pace to be by his side, but upon noticing the ghost, Evan hastily reballs the paper and tosses it into a nearby trashcan like a basketball.

    “What did that paper say?”

    Connor tried to keep the irritation from those kids out of his voice, but it was hard. People bullying Evan was the one thing that actually makes him angry these days. Nothing compared to the endless rage from being alive, but still pretty angry. Evan quickly swipes his sleeve over his eyes before subtly shaking his head and turning back to eat his sandwich.

    Connor softens at this, slowly ghost-sitting next to Evan and leaning forward to better see his expression through the hunched over stature and sandwich shield. Despite previous evidence, he no longer looked to be on the verge of tears anymore. That was good, he could work with this. And so, Connor leans back while putting up douchey peace signs and giving his voice a faux deepness.

    “Hey, at least you did a pretty sick three-pointer shot with that trashketball, bro.”

    The corners of Evan's mouth curl up slightly.

    “Now, can you tell me what the note said?”

    Just as quickly as it came, the small smile disappears. Connor sighs.

    “Alright alright, I won't ask about the paper anymore so how about this, why don't we eat in the library from now on?”

    A questioning look.

    “Yes, you're aloud to do that. Trust me, I did it a lot in school. Just sit in a corner away from the librarian's view and you'll be fine.”

    A concerned expression.

    “Don't worry, you're not gonna get caught. Even if you do she's not gonna actually do anything. As long as you clean up after yourself like a decent person she won't care.”

    A beat. A smile. A nod. That was good, they were good. Evan will be good.

 

★★★

 

    “Okay I'm gonna change poses now.”

    “What?! No, I'm not done yet, you're going too fast!”

    “Evan, the point of these gesture drawings is to get you to draw the form not details. It's meant to be fast.”

    “Yeah I know but…. can I get five more seconds?”

    “Hmmm… fine but just this once. We were gonna do longer intervals later anyway.”

    Evan goes back to finishing up his current sketch. They have been doing form and figure drawings in Evan's room to help him get a better grasp at anatomy. The landscapes he painted were now inhabited with a lot more people thanks to Connor. This was a nice thing they do.

    “Okay, five seconds are up. I'm changing poses.”

 

★★★

 

    Evan laid back on his bed, holding  _ The Catcher in the Rye _ above his head as Connor floats around above. He was nearing the end, enjoying Holden and Phoebe's interactions. Evan, being an only child, inquired if the character's relationship had anything in common with Connor's own with Zoe.

    Connor answers no, but says that it would've been nice. He was about to elaborate until Heidi pops her head in from the door. It's been awhile since she's done that.

    “Hello Evan, I just wanted to let you know that I'm gonna be out much later than usual tomorrow and Ben doesn't work on Sundays, so I'm gonna trust you to be alone just this once okay?”

    Evan, who had only half acknowledged his mother's presence previously, tears his gaze away from the novel with this new piece of information. Connor sees worry and sadness cross his expression, but it's replace with a grimace and a “Alright, thanks for telling me, mom.”

    It was clear he wanted to say more, but it was left at that. Heidi, on the other hand, doesn't seem to notice and goes to compliment Evan for being so mature while letting him know that money for pizza will be left in the table tomorrow with a number for a nearby place that does delivery. The being-alone-for-the-first-time pep talk goes on a bit more until Heidi finally leaves and Evan is left to absorb for a brief moment before going back to his book. Connor could feel a distinct air of discomfort surrounding him.

 

    Evan being home alone soon became a regular thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more short snapshot type chapters now

**Author's Note:**

> no the title is not a hamilton reference


End file.
